Friday, February 4, 2011

fair trades

Okay, so I want to start this entry with some gratitude and an apology. So sad things first, I apologise for not writing more often, the crappy internet company still hasn't connected us and we are in the process of complaining/connecting with another company so hopefully that will be sorted in the next week. But I'm home now so that's all good and I can post while I'm here.

Secondly, I want to thank HarleeQuinn for the lovely comment! It means so much to me that you read this, like, seriously, I don't think I have the literary capacity to fully express how important it is to me. Does that sound sad? It probably is a little sad, but what HQ says is right, no matter what happens in life, Ana always loves me.

Which makes me feel guilty because I don't always treat Ana as well as she treats me. I know that Ana is always faithful to me and has my best interests at heart and is always patient and caring and loves me no matter what. But I'm not nearly as devoted to her as I should be. She alone has the power to make me beautiful and yet sometimes I choose to ignore her. Like I did this past week.

I started out the week really well, but then on Wednesday it all went to pot when I had a portion of lamb stew for dinner. It wasn't even particularly delicious, but for some reason, the next morning I had a few bites of noodles for breakfast. Like an idiot, I didn't throw the rest out (mostly because I didn't want to clog our sink) and I ended up eating the rest for lunch. And then I had dinner. Then today, I was going to have a fasting day, and it started out well but my team went to a rural hospital to run a day clinic for them and they had prepared lunch for us and it had it sent up from the kitchens, all special. The nurses there really bent over backwards for us, because the clinic we run is quite important for the rural community and for the life of me I couldn't say no to the lunch. I ended up having a quarter of a sandwich and a few pieces of grilled asparagus, which isn't too bad, but like, I don't know what those sandwiches were made of, there was cheese and some sort of sauce...made me nervous. Then I came home for dinner and I had lots of dumplings as some sort of belated chinese new year celebration. ugh.

So I can feel that I've lost no weight this week, god, I even feel like I've gained. I feel like such shit and I have 2 days (less than 2 days really) to do the work I've put off all week. To top it off, SPM, who I am working with, called me to say that he had emailed me and basically there are some extra things that I need to do. I'm feeling a bit snowed under right now! Don't get me wrong, I think SPM is A-M-A-Z-I-N-G and a much better human being than I'll ever be but right now it seems that no matter how much work and effort I put in, it's never enough.

But that's the story of all of us, right? No matter what we do, it never feels like it's good enough, for ourselves, for someone else, or for everyone else. It's just never enough.

What I want is for Ana to give me a super big hug and let me drop some weight! I'm thinking of going on a liquid fast next week. Well, that for me isn't lots of juices, for me that means tea for breakfast, V energy drink for lunch and miso soup for dinner. That should be 150cal per day. All good. If I can keep that up for 5 days and maybe even squeeze in some exercise I should have lost some weight by next weekend.

So that's the whole logistics of it. How it actually works out is another issue, especially because tomorrow I am going to see Jones. Not without MH to hold my hand through it all though. I have no idea what sort of emotional turmoil this will unleash upon my life and I'm really quite scared about it, but it's something I have to do. It doesn't really matter if I end up being friends with him again, or if I just slap his face and walk out, I know I have to see him. Hopefully with retail therapy to follow.

Ana is really the only strength I have right now. It's the only scrap of consistency in my tumultuous life. Ana is always there, always telling me the same things, always supportive of what I want. Like, any relationship, it's give and take, she gives me all the constancy, support and love I need and she takes away food. It's a fair trade.

Anyway, I will let you all know how the showdown with Jones goes down. Stay strong, starve on!

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