Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Ana and Mia
So in my quest in trying to decide what diet to go for, I have been binging. I hate myself for that, nobody really needs to remind me about that. I can't believe I was so stupid and basically, even though there are no scales here, I know I've gained weight. I feel physically ill. But I can go and purge because in a house full of doctors, that won't go unnoticed. So purging is completely out of the question. But I'm gaining weight. Sometimes I wish I was brave enough to let mia into my life but I'm really not. She could help me get to where I want to, but she could also completely destroyed my career.
At the same time I am so pressured for time. I've just started in a new department. It's a busy department. I'm doing things I know little about and have never done before. And it's taking me a whole lotta time. Time I don't have. Time I should be spending on writing my paper for SPM and Prof CNM and time I should be spending working out.
Also, the liquid fast last week drew my flatmates' attention. So now they are all paying attention to my eating and are over the moon to see me eating dinner again. It also means they will definitely notice when I'm not eating again. It is also a hundred thousand degrees over here. It's so hot that I can't even think. It's so humid! I'm sorry to be complaining so much but in my tiny room, in the sweltering heat, it's hard to exercise.
Now it's starting to take over my head. All I can think about is Ana and how I'm failing her. And about my paper and how I'm failing my beloved Prof CNM and SPM. I'm pretty much hating on myself.
I'm feeling so sick right now, I totally want to vomit but I can't. I'm hating this. I'm not usually this down in my posts but this just tanks. And on top of that, the deeper cuts on my thigh are too low, one of my friends saw them and asked me. He's annoying though, I almost punched him coz he's so annoying.
Nothing is going right. I'm going to fast again to make myself feel better.
No. One thing is going right. I love patients. I love my work. I love my work so much. Really, besides Ana, I live for work.