Thursday, September 8, 2011
Well it's the small victories that keep us all going. I'm home now and I have checked on my home scales, yup, I've lost almost 3kg this week! I'm frankly amazed. I hope I can lose another 3kg next week, I'll be close to my goal weight soon!
I started cutting my food into little pieces today. I never thought it would make me eat less, I thought it was just a symptom of anorexia. But I thought I'd give it a go and I must say, I totally see how it works. I had 3 chicken nuggets and a piece of turnip on my plate and I spent about half an hour cutting it all up. By that time, it looked so unappetizing that I only ate a few little pieces and chucked the rest out. And for some reason, it is so hard to eat when I'm only eating one tiny piece at a time. It made me want to throw up afterwards which was hard because I swore blind I would never purge and only restrict. I have never hated eating more in my life.
But on the downside, my father has told me that he thinks I should weigh 100lbs. He's always thought that I am too fat. Even though I know he's always thought I am too fat and that I need to lose weight or I will never be able to attract a man, I never thought he'd actually tell me how much I should weigh. It affects me in a way that I can't quite explain. Like, now I totally have no hope.
This may sound stupid, but I always thought that I might on day feel pretty and loved and wanted. I always hoped that once I was skinny enough, I would be able to feel those things. But knowing that my own father thinks I should weigh 100lbs, and knowing my dad, I know he thinks 100lbs is the maximum amount I should weigh, it just feels like that little spark of hope in me has died.
Let me explain it this way: if my father, who is the one man on this earth who is actually obligated to love me and is supposed to be the one man who loves and cares about me the most thinks that I will be just acceptable at 100lbs, then when I'm 100lbs I might be acceptable to him, but still far from acceptable to anyone else. This means that when I am 100lbs, I will still be fat and ugly and frankly, I can't see an end to this. There may not be a weight where I am beautiful and lovable. But I refuse to be fat. I've said before that I can't do anything about my ugliness but I sure as hell can do something about my weight.
I'm going to be thin or die trying.
Here is how I want to look: