hunger point 29lbs in 7 weeks

Have you ever watched a movie called "Hunger Point"?

It's one of the saddest things I've ever watched. And so true. It's odd in the way that it shows what happens to those who are left behind. It's made me think about a lot of things. There are some things that I've never thought about before. I can't honestly say that I've ever contemplated what happens to those who are left behind. I can't say that I've ever really contemplated actually dying from anorexia even though I know it happens to 10% of anorexics.

[Does anyone even read this? I put quite some effort into these posts...I have been trying to write this particular post for 3 days now and I have rewritten it soooo many times because the words just aren't coming and I'm trying to put a feeling into coherent words. That being said, I'm probably usually incoherent.]

Let me start with some concrete stuff.

I bought myself a new scale today. I've decided that this is the scale with which I will always measure myself and gauge my weight loss. As of today I am 58kg or 129lbs so I am disgustingly fat.

I want to be at 100lbs by the start of the summer. I traditionally lose weight over the summer so maybe I can get down to 90lbs? Not sure since Christmas will probably hinder that considerably.

29lbs in 7 weeks, or 49lbs. So I need to lose 0.6lbs per day in order to keep that up. I don't even know if that's possible. That's more than 4lbs a week, I don't think I've ever lost weight that fast before. But all I can do is try. I'm starting a liquid fast now. I'm going to go for 5 days because I have to go home in the weekend and I will have to eat something, so I will have to break my fast. But maybe if I step up the exercise in the weekend I can compensate for that.

I'm sick and tired of not shifting any weight at all. And having it very slowly creeping up. I can feel the fat depositing on my body and it makes me sad and ashamed. But at least I know it's wrong and now with my new scale I'm going to keep a good eye on it and stop and reverse what I've done.

I think the last time I weighed 100lbs was when I was 11 years old, so yeah, that will be a nice weight to get back to. I can't wait to know what it feels like to be 100lbs, it's so far away that I can't even imagine it. It's a sort of thinness that I can't even dream of because I don't feel like I can ever achieve it.

But of all my achievements, nothing measures up to losing weight. Nothing compares to the feeling of stepping on a scale and finding out that I've lost weight. There is no greater high than having someone tell me that I look thinner and that I've lost weight. Nothing feels as nice as a man putting his hand on my back and feeling that the length of his hand is the same as how wide my waist is. There is something so safe and secure in that feeling. I think that anybody else would argue that I have lots of achievements to be proud of but none of them can measure up to this one, this is the one that I want the most.

I want a gap between my thighs, I have wanted on as long as I can remember. I want to be able to see my hip bones stick out. I want to be able to see my spine in the mirror. Nothing looks as beautiful as that.

By that same token, nothing feels as bad as being fat. I stand in front of the mirror every day and tell myself how disgusting I am. I love clothes and everything looks shit on me. All I can see are lumps of fat and areas of my body that are covered in fat and are hideous and should be hidden. The worst feeling is that I know this fat is holding me back from my real potential. It's holding me back from doing all the things I want to do, it's holding me back from people liking me, it's holding me back from being a good person in general. How can I be what I want to be when I'm covered in fat?

No, it's not even that. Everything I want to be, I already am, but it's hidden under a layer of fat. I'm trying to uncover myself so that people can see I'm not worthless and useless and stupid. Maybe once I'm thin I'll be able to see what some people can already see in me. Maybe then I'll be happy. Even if I'm not, at least I'll be thin, which will be one step better than what I am right now.

So there is the plan. Maybe I will just fast for 5 days a week for the next 7 weeks. I'll see how it goes. I might even give the dreaded ABC diet a go. Seeing as many people have found great success on this diet, it might be worth another go.

There is totally something else that I want to say but as I have failed for many days to put it into words, I don't exactly hold any hope I might be able to do it now. No doubt it will come to me in the dead of the night.