Friday, September 30, 2011

eating disorder bracelets and thoughts

"There are more things in Heaven and Earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy."

And I open with one of my favourite quotes from one of my favourite authors. I'm not sure if that is the correct way of describing The Bard, but whatever, you get the point, big props to that guy.

Sorry for the absence, it's exam season and this hell pit will be over in just over 3 weeks and so in 3 weeks time my usual posts and weight loss attempts with reinstate themselves in this blog. Meanwhile I'm in a rather contemplative mood and since I've given up dieting for exam season and made studying my number one priority a few things have happened:

1. I've gained 5 pounds because, as it turns out, I will cook and eat as a form of procrastination and also as a way of coping with stress.
2. Because of the weight gain and stress I'm more and more tempted by self harm again.
3. It's now almost summer and once again my arm is not the most ideal location even though I like it the most.
4. I have discovered the art of scarification and am seriously considering it
5. Faced with these exams I'm coming to the realisation that I will be released into the workforce soon and am thinking about my future.

And I guess in saying all that, I'm trying to say that I'm evolving somewhat as a person. And I'm thinking more and more about why I want to be thin and what I'm willing to do and to sacrifice to be thin. I'm thinking about where my future is headed and that is intrinsically linked with my weight and my self harming. I was reading something online recently about the eating disorder bracelets and I'm out to make myself some.

Pink=EDNOS (eating disorder not otherwise specified)
Black or Orange=Self Harm
If white is added to any of the colours it signifies recovery.

For me, I am making myself a pink and black bracelet. Or a pink bracelet and a black one, haven't decided yet. Pink for EDNOS as I do not fulfill full criteria for Ana or Mia but certainly have features of some sort of eating disorder. And black for self harm, because I don't like the colour orange.

I've come a long way since the time this blog started. I'm much more secure in my identity as someone with an eating disorder and self harmer. I'm almost proud of it. It's a part of me that will never go away. I will never feel thin enough, I will always feel some urge to cut myself. And I've noticed it's not just cutting myself, I will scratch my legs until they bleed and pick at scabs, especially ones around my ankles (from all the high heels!) and I will dig my fingernails into myself. It's so much a part of who I am. And I don't want those parts of me to go away. They set me apart from other people, they give me a sense of identity. In a strange way, they provide me with a safe sort of happiness, a sort of happiness that I know I can have if I lose weight or hurt myself. It's a guarded happiness that I can give myself at any time, independent of all other aspects of my life.

It's something that someone who has never dabbled in self harm or an eating disorder could possibly understand. I realise that to a "normal" person, these things probably seem totally ludicrous, yet here I am saying that they are almost integral to my existence. I don't know if I was born to this fate or if I have simply passed a point of no return. I don't know how others would react if they found out about this aspect of my life; would they reject me, would they show disgust, would they feel pity or would they understand?

Someone I respect very much once told me that there are two things are the root of all things: love and fear. And how right she is. I can hark on and on about my life but the be all and end all is that I want to end my life because I cannot feel love. If I am to look at things objectively, even I will admit that I am treated extremely well by almost everyone in my life. My family and friends clearly care about me a great deal, as do TS and J and SPM and other colleagues, I am sure. And where the professor comes in, well, for all my fear and all the insecurities, the fact remains that everyone I know tells me that he likes me, treats me better than any student and he has told me himself that he doesn't treat me like a student. Yet for some reason, despite the lunches and coffees and pet names, I cannot get it into my head that he feels anything but disdain for me.

There are moments when the care that these people exhibit is so great that it is enough to confuse my brain. When all logic and all reason and every cue is telling me that this person loves me, and the feeling is so strong that it makes parts of me scream, absolutely scream, hoping that maybe this time I will believe it. And those parts of me do believe it, but there is always something there, some sneering voice that tells me it's all a lie. And these are the parts of me that can dissect the situation and turn everything around. The abnormal gestures of love become normalised into mannerisms and habit and no more meaningful than a hello an acquaintance might mutter in passing. Or worse it becomes pity, or a gesture made to please someone else. Why can't I just believe it?

God knows I would be so very happy if I could just take things at face value. Is that why I always present myself as painfully honest and blunt? I would hate for someone to be confused about how I feel about them. I try to make it very clear.

And now I see that I will never get what I want. Nothing will ever be enough. Love is not enough. Because I have love, I have a vast abundance of love, I have love from people who do not dish it out freely, if at all, to others. I think this is what I want to control. So many people say that eating disorders stem from a need for control. And I've always thought that this didn't apply to me because well, my life is in control. But now I see, this is where my life is chaotic. I am constantly bombarded by the affection of people and yet I can't interpret it correctly.

I don't particularly care about the motivations to be honest. It's just a bit interesting is all. For the moment, in my mind, if I am thin then I will feel loved. If I am fat then I am totally unworthy of it. That's all I need to know.

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