the voice within

Hi everyone, just to start this post off with a little note to say that I will be posting some THINSPIRATION this weekend when I have more time to sort out the hundreds of photos that I have. Nothing like a little bit of pick me up to keep up the motivation levels.

I've come to the conclusion that I don't understand weight loss at all, no matter how much I try to understand the science behind it. Last night I had a REALLY BIG MEAL. And all week I've been eating between 300-500cal per day. But last night's meal was seriously huge, it was a binge, there is no other word for it, and yet, when I weighed myself this morning, I'd lost another pound.

So all in all, I've lost 7lbs in 4 days, how is that even possible! I'm so shocked that I've lost so much so quickly that I don't really believe it. I feel like there must be something wrong with my scales. These are the new scales that weighed me in at 129lbs (58kg) on Sunday and now weigh me in at 122lbs (55.3kg) today.

I'm going to need to check this with my other set of scales at home when I go back tomorrow. They weighed me in at 56kg on Sunday so I'm going to see what that one says. Hopefully it reads 53kg to confirm that yes, I have lost quite a bit of weight. My worst fear is that I'm going to step on it and it won't budge at all and say that I've not lost any weight because then all this hope and happiness will be for nothing.

I just can't quite believe the numbers, I don't look or feel any thinner.

There is something about the voice within that comes back to bite me. Last night I was really, really happy. I was actually feeling less dizzy after eating so I felt better physically, I had just found out that Bristol Uni has said that yes, I can go there to do my elective in ophthalmology next year so I was REALLY excited! I don't really know what Bristol Uni means to any of you reading, but to a girl from New Zealand, it means a hell of a lot! To study overseas for 2 months is just amazing. I was also riding some sort of high from the 6lbs I'd lost up till that point. I was so happy. So happy that while I was lying in bed, I couldn't sleep.

I'm lying there, thinking about completing the application and being accepted and telling TS and thanking the professor for suggesting I apply there. Then suddenly, the voice starts talking again and all it says is "fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat..." and it doesn't take long for me to dissolve into a ball of tears on my bed.

There is something about that voice that keeps popping up and telling me things and I have to believe it, because if I can't believe the voice within, then I can't believe anything at all. But as well as I have done this week, I am still a fat pig and I have a long, long way to go.

Thank you for the comments and encouragement. You guys to read this and comment are those who remind me that I am not alone in this and that you understand me and keep me going when life isn't going according to plan. So thank you and thank you again!