Tuesday, November 1, 2011

a compliment wrapped up in love

It was 2 o'clock in the morning and as a huge insomniac, I was up watching youtube videos. I suddenly realised that I was many MANY years behind everyone else and had never seen any footage of Ellen and Portia's wedding. So I looked them up and that was all good. Then I came across an interview of Portia on the Ellen Degeneres Show and she was talking about her anorexia.

And then she said something that made a huge amount of sense. She said that when someone said "you look too thin, I'm worried about you" it was like a compliment wrapped up with love. To say that someone is too thin, there's no such thing and so it just felt like a great compliment and to be worried, that was like love.

Which is unbelievably true. It's something that I've always sort of known but never really put into words. It's why I feel so flattered when the professor says those exact words to me and not the least bit concerned about my health, which I suspect is what he is trying to bring my attention to.

Last time I saw him, he said something to me that I have started to fixate on quite a bit. He was talking about how small my waist was looking (oh please, I looked in the mirror and it is soooo fat) but then said, "the rest of you looks fine, you don't look anorexic". And it just haunts me. I keep thinking about it. What does it mean? I think he was pleased by it, but that just irks me so much.

I don't want to look fine, I want to look thin, I want to look too thin. I want to look the way the general public would describe as "anorexic". It has given me something to aim for strangely.

I totally long for the day when I can walk into his office and he looks at me and says, you look anorexic. It really, really stresses me out that I don't look that thin.

5 comments:

  1. Maybe though like don't stress him out too much, cuz he obviously cares about you. So perhaps a big sweater when you go to his office. Although it's his compliment you may be looking for, ag I dunno. Fuck it. Let's be ano! ^_^ :D :D Be strong, think thin! Xo

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  2. I know. I love those comments (when I used to be thinner). I hate to admit it, but I loved someone CARING about me for once.

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  3. i get that. you want them to notice all the hard work you put into getting thinner. if they don't, you just see it as reason to work harder.
    no one has ever called me thin. the best i get is "normal"
    stay strong, lovely. he'll notice someday.
    xx jackie

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  4. i watched that show! and i went out and got the book from the library that she wrote, her memoir, 'unbearable lightness'.. it was amazing. a lot in that book made sense. if you related tot hat, there's so much inside you could relate to.

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