Tuesday, November 1, 2011
a compliment wrapped up in love
It was 2 o'clock in the morning and as a huge insomniac, I was up watching youtube videos. I suddenly realised that I was many MANY years behind everyone else and had never seen any footage of Ellen and Portia's wedding. So I looked them up and that was all good. Then I came across an interview of Portia on the Ellen Degeneres Show and she was talking about her anorexia.
And then she said something that made a huge amount of sense. She said that when someone said "you look too thin, I'm worried about you" it was like a compliment wrapped up with love. To say that someone is too thin, there's no such thing and so it just felt like a great compliment and to be worried, that was like love.
Which is unbelievably true. It's something that I've always sort of known but never really put into words. It's why I feel so flattered when the professor says those exact words to me and not the least bit concerned about my health, which I suspect is what he is trying to bring my attention to.
Last time I saw him, he said something to me that I have started to fixate on quite a bit. He was talking about how small my waist was looking (oh please, I looked in the mirror and it is soooo fat) but then said, "the rest of you looks fine, you don't look anorexic". And it just haunts me. I keep thinking about it. What does it mean? I think he was pleased by it, but that just irks me so much.
I don't want to look fine, I want to look thin, I want to look too thin. I want to look the way the general public would describe as "anorexic". It has given me something to aim for strangely.
I totally long for the day when I can walk into his office and he looks at me and says, you look anorexic. It really, really stresses me out that I don't look that thin.