Tuesday, November 22, 2011
binge and purge: the circle of life.
I should have somehow known that it was too good to last. This has been one of the worst binges ever. I've always been honest on here but right now, I'm way too ashamed to say how much I ate on here. Apparently life is all or nothing for me in all respects, including binging. When I binge, I do it good, honey *snaps fingers*. So I've taken more laxies and it makes me feel a bit better. I've only just started taking laxies (as you probably know already) and now I understand why people say it gets so addictive. Why don't I ever listen????? The human race would be doomed to fail if everyone was like me.
I've gone through an embarrassing amount of laxatives since I bought them and I need to cut back, simply because I can't afford to keep buying them at this rate. At first, I took some just to see if it worked and how quickly. Then I was nothing short of delighted at the flatness of my stomach and how un-bloated I felt. Well, really, I was more surprised because it really brought home how bloated I was normally.
Laxies really, are only good in retrospect. Because at the time, it is absolutely miserable. I took some last night, ended up having an all nighter watching movies and found out that they work faster if you're awake. So at about 3 am I was chained to my bathroom. And for the next 2 hours I was back and forth and even now, 11hours later I'm still running back and forth to the bathroom. For this reason I don't think I will be taking more than the normal dose, or I will actually just have to move my life into the bathroom.
I've just had another binge at lunch and taken more laxies. And so the circle of life continues. Binge then purge then binge then purge then binge then purge. And all the warnings people have given me about laxies go unheeded. I'm not really losing any weight because yeah, all I'm doing is gaining food weight then losing food weight. But somehow I almost prefer this because it allows me the chance to binge and I have to say that I get some sort of satisfaction in binging.
Now I almost don't have to deal with the guilt of it. Because, for now, the discomfort and pain of the laxies makes me feel like I've repented enough for a binge.
When I started my weight loss bid, I never thought I would ever flirt with Mia. Never. I'm not sure if I am right now. But I can suddenly see the possibility of going down that path. We'll just have to wait and see.