Monday, November 28, 2011

with a heavy heart (update and responses to comments)

Firstly, I start this post with saying much love to Fat Piggy, my pretty lady. All my love to you, I'm utterly distraught over you, please take care. I look forward to having a more cheerful you back with us.

Update, I don't know what to say. I feel like my weight is not right. Having stopped taking the laxies, I've just not gone to the bathroom and so now I'm bloated and I'm sure I'd weigh less if I would just go to the loo. I hate not going to the loo. I hate that my weight hasn't shifted an ounce, even though I know it should've gone down. FUCK I REALLY WANT SOME LAXIES!!! But I swore not to take them during the week and I won't.

Today went better than yesterday. As of now, I went for a 8km run/walk which burns around 400cal for me. I fasted all day, and ate around 500cal for dinner. 500cal is a heavy estimate, it might be as little as 300cal. I plan to do more exercise later, burn maybe another 400cal.

This way, I feel like I'm doing something to lose weight. And even if the scales and my bowels don't cooperate, I feel like I'm going in the right direction. Damn I want those laxies, I want to feel more empty than this.

There is a lot of work to do, and I'm so very tired. So very tired. Fat Piggy's misadventure has made me think. Today I saw TS, who I adore. And he said to me, "You're my favourite student, I rank you alongside JF." JF is a past student who is now a fully qualified doctor. TS talks about her a lot, he clearly really adores her. Even though she is sort of marked by a horrible thing that she did in the past that made everyone really angry at her, she is still his favourite student. To have him say he likes me just as much as her, I can't really even understand that. "You're my favourite student." he says again, deadly serious, looking into my eyes. And he says this right in front of his honours student. I feel a bit awkward for her.

It makes me think. So many things lately have made me think. And they're all making me a bit less suicidal. If I killed myself, TS would be upset. And I don't want to upset him.

I feel like that I should say here, since there was some confusion over my last post...those comments and compliments, that conversation, that was with the professor. There is absolutely no romance going on here! I love him dearly, but not in that way. I hadn't realised that at no point in that entire post did I mention that it was the professor. I think I can sort of see why some of my classmates and some hospital staff are raising eyebrows over our relationship. There is a bit of speculation over there being some sort of sexual undertone between us. I've never seen it that way, but if some of you thought I was talking about a boyfriend after reading that post, well. I can see what some other people are worried about then.

Thank you to Princess Perfection, strive4perfection, Christina, Jackie and Lolo for your lovely comments. I always love reading them and I really can't thank you enough for them.

Jackie and strive4perfection: I agree that cutting down the laxies is a good thing to do. It's extremely hard, all I can think about is want to take more laxies to get rid of this weight.

Christina: you read ALL my posts???? I feel like I should apologise for the sheer number of them! Oh my goodness, I can't believe you read them all. I hope they weren't boring or anything. And thank you so much for reading them! And I don't think we'll ever be happy with our size, but all we can do is keep chasing perfection I suppose. And the laxies. Far more addictive than I ever thought they could be. My advice, heed all the advice that I refused to take. Don't take laxies.

Princess Perfection and Lolo: hey girls, thanks for following me! I hope I entertain you somewhat. It means a lot to me, so thank you again.


  1. Hello... I haven't commented yet I think.
    It makes me so sad to see such a beautiful, intelligent girl doing this to herself. As someone who has been down the same road, nearly died, and is fighting now to come back - i can see what you are heading for and its not pretty at all. I wish foresight was as clear as hindsight. It's not worth it.
    You are worth so much more than this.
    Please try and quit the laxatives completely. they do not make you lose weight. You lose poo and water. All calories are already absorbed. A temporarily empty belly does not equal weight loss. it equals an empty belly.
    I have a friend with a one metre long prolapse of her intestine hanging out of her anus, and a couple of friends with colostomy bags. All of them came from abusing laxatives - and not as much as you would think either.
    Be careful xx

  2. it's so tough to stop doing something when you have always relied on it to bring you good things. it's good that you're keeping the self-control and not taking the laxies even though you want them.

    congrats on being a favorite of that professor! having a good relationship with your superiors is great for career opportunities :)

    good luck this week, darling!

  3. I don't have a life, nor do I sleep very well :). And I'm a little weird, but don't worry, I enjoyed reading all about you.

    Thanks for the advice, I found myself looking at the laxatives yesterday at the supermarket but I realise its best to avoid them. I know that some herbal teas help to "clean and cleanse" your body so maybe I'll try some of that. Might also help distract me from the lack of coffee. I haven't had any in nearly a month.
    I think that my tiredness might be caused by other things but I'm keeping an eye out for any serious signs.

    Enough about me, sorry. It's great that all these things are making you feel better and less suicidal. It gives you something to hold on to when things get rough. I wouldn't worry about what other people are thinking because your relationship with the professor isn't at all sexual. There is nothing wrong about it so theres nothing to worry about. Anyway, people are silly. Don't mind them.

    Stay safe sweetheart.

  4. good advice. don't take laxies. it's hard to follow sometimes, but it's some of the best advice to give. i'd give it too.. i stopped them, successfully, been nearly two weeks. i've got herbal tea to help me get through it, to get my body used to working on its own, but it's hard. best advice.
    also, i wish i could read all your posts too! i catch up on them once in awhile, reading them all, but usually i'm about three posts behind. i'm sorry! i wish i could get on here more often, but it's not safe. i do promise to try harder <3

  5. Hey-o, just wanted to tell you that I just found your blog through your comment on Fat Piggy's post (God be with her!).
    I read it twice. You seem so smart, so warm hearted and at the same time so supportive. I felt really bad that I was the one to comment after you, haha :)

    Oh well. You got yourself a new follower there missy. Looking forward to following your process :)
    Stay strong love! <3