it's theatre darling

Hello my lovely girls! I remember a time when I was rejoicing at having 8 followers. I blink and suddenly I'm at 42? What! Welcome new followers!! Hello!

If this post looks a bit weird it’s because I’m writing it at work and I can’t access the internet from here. I’m writing it here because I just had to tell you all, weighed myself today and I’m 119lbs!!!!!!!!! WOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOO!!!! For a long time there I was stuck at 121lbs and I was starting to feel like I would never be able to break the 120lbs barrier. Nonsense, I know. But I had almost given up and resigned myself to being fat. But all of a sudden, 119lbs!!! I can’t tell you how nice it is to be back in the 110s. I haven’t been here for a long, long time. I know I’m still at the far end of the 110s but for the purpose of lifting my morale, I will say that this counts.

It was so discouraging to start exercising and have absolutely nothing happen. Well, nothing in terms of the scale. I’m starting to see the very faint outline of abs and that makes me feel chuffed to bits. I don’t want hard out abs, but a faint outline is very nice.

Funny thing is, I’m still fat. I look at myself and I still see lots of places that need improvement and that discourages me somewhat. Still, breaking 120lbs is a huge barrier gone. Hope to hit my next goal weight of 115lbs soonish.

I’m feeling very sick so hopefully that will aid the weight loss bid. For the first time, I woke up absolutely needing to vomit. It was awful, I was in my bathroom, coughing and retching, and I didn’t want to be there. I hadn’t eaten for 18 hours and there was nothing to vomit up.

Yesterday all I had was a coffee and half a muffin which I absolutely had to eat because the professor begged me to eat something. He took me to lunch and in the end he said that he wasn’t allowed a whole muffin and if I didn’t share one with him, I would be depriving him of half a muffin. And we’d been operating for 6 hours and I was pretty buggered by then anyway. I rejected all the barley sugars in theatre because I knew he’d force me to eat something and so I didn’t want any more calories than was absolutely necessary.

Somehow at lunch we started talking about people who had committed suicide and he just looked at me and said “you’re not going to do anything that stupid are you?” I was stunned, because he was dead serious. How did he know????? Nobody knew about my suicidal intent except you ladies. I just couldn’t even look at him. I said no, but I couldn’t look at him for a long time after that.

That conversation we had over lunch, a 15min short lunch break that somehow turned into an hour long life advice session, it’s made me re-evaluate my entire life. I’m questioning absolutely everything and it’s thrown me into emotional turmoil. I don’t know what to believe anymore. But I want so much to believe him. I really do. But to believe him, I have to first accept the premise that he cares a lot for me and is mentoring me and I just can’t bring myself to do that. I am so utterly unworthy of even being in the same room as him, so undeserving of even a minute of his time.

Remember me talking about going to Bristol to work next year? This was a while back now, but I was super excited about going over to do 2 months next year. Yesterday I found out he had called the head of dept in Bristol and told him to give me the position. I was so touched, as soon as I was out of theatre and back in my car I just burst into tears. I couldn’t believe he’d do something like that for me. I still can’t believe it, but I kind of have to, because he’s done it.

I can’t deal with all that right now. For now, I’m under 120lbs, I’m closer to my goal, all my projects are moving nicely, and I’m content for now.