Saturday, November 26, 2011

I'M SO FAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HOLY FUCKING SHIT I'M FAT.

Omg. Okay. I've had a real wake up call regarding my size. I like to watch eating disorder documentaries on youtube. I stumbled across one called Extreme Diets that features Michelle Eagleton. She's the same height as me. The thing that really got me into a wild panic is because her starting weight was 54kg and she stated herself as a size 10.

Which is exactly what I am now. The binging did some serious damage.

Shitshitshitshitshitfuckshitfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckshit. HOLY FUCKING SHIT I'M SO FAT!!!!!!!!!!

I'm actually panicking now. For some reason, in my head, I was a size 6-8. (NZ sizing is the same as UK sizing). Because I fit size 6-8 clothing. Now I've suddenly decided that I need to stop cheating myself. Squeezing into something is NOT the same as fitting it. It isn't. I need to face up to the fact that I'm a lot fatter than I thought.

I didn't think that I was this bad. And by bad, I mean, I didn't realise that I was so affected by how fat I am. I'm actually shaking right now and I'm on the verge of tears. I think the binging and laxies somehow got me into this weird state of mind where I thought that I was really quite small. Now I've snapped out of it. I'm staring at myself in the mirror. FAT EVERYWHERE. OMG. I'M SO FAT.

I'm going to take a bath and try to calm myself out of this frenzy. In the program, she managed to lose 14lbs in 2 weeks by dieting and training like mad. If she can do it, so can I. 14lbs in 2 weeks. HOLY SHIT that's a lot of weight to lose. How the FUCK am I going to do that. At least work starts back to normal next week. That means one thing: FASTING. Holy shit I've missed fasting. Coffee will be the only form of calorie that passes my lips. I'll be at work from 7am till 6-7pm. Strictly enforced by myself. Then, when I get home, I will skip dinner, say I had a big afternoon snack at work and go running. Then I will do something else after that. Aerobics, or yoga. Maybe some boxing.

Omg I'm panicking. I need to lose 14lbs in 2 weeks! I know it's possible. But I don't have a personal trainer to yell at me. Dammit. Oh well. Ana and Mia can yell their asses off at me. I can yell at myself. I will fucking do this. Holy shit I'm scared though.

What if I can't do it? What if it doesn't happen for whatever reason? What if I'm still fat? I'm so worried. I'm so fat. I'm so hating on myself right now. I will report on here everything that I do everyday, along with a weigh in. If you girls hold me accountable, I will be able to do this. (I hope.)

Sorry for all the swearing. I'm having a mental breakdown. I'm so fucking fat.

4 comments:

  1. First off, take a breathe. Secondly, apologise for swearing - lol, have you read my blog? :p Kidding. Anyway, what's your BMI, because I kinda think that's the important because I'm tall so my size will always fail. And jeans size I can fit in a size 0, but when I went to my fitting they called me a perfect 34 - which is a 6. I was like fuck you mutha fucker bitch! I am NOT a size 6. So ya. You know, but if my BMI were still 18 I would imagine that it was the sizes that are fucked. Not you. Thanks for all the kind words, sorry for my absence. Xo

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  2. don't be so hard on yourself! good luck, i know u can do it.

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  3. It's okay, breathe. Don't be so hard on yourself. I understand the feelings and pressure and all, trust me. But I also know you'll pull through this. You'll get yourself to a comfortable spot and you'll be able to step back and admire all the hard work you've done. I have faith in you.

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  4. I guess you understand at this point in time that crazy extreme dieting and workouts to lose a lot of weight in a little time is absolutely ineffective. Making little changes (no soda after a workout) is what'll get you there and KEEP you there... good luck :)

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