Thursday, November 3, 2011
faking it and more compliments wrapped in love
It would seem that I can't spend a day at work without my weight being dragged into question. Today TS said to me that I shouldn't lose any more weight. "Don't lose any more weight", he says, "this weight looks good on you." And like the professor, he thinks that my waist is starting to look very small. I'm scared that one day all this will go right to my head and I will be grasped by the delusion that I am thin. But ah! I was prepared for this and well aware that I am still fat. I wore a very tight waist belt on purpose, so I could feel it digging into my fat.
It's not that I think they're lying to me, but I just don't think I'm thin enough and I think they get concerned rather easily. I do not think they need to be worried. When I weigh 45kg/100lbs, at that point I think I would understand why someone might be concerned because I would have lost 20kg from my original weight.
The worst thing is that I have to pretend I'm not trying to lose more weight. I am essentially lying to them. But as they are worried, if they catch a whiff of an eating disorder, it will be straight to the mental health ward for me! One thing that I didn't lie about was how it is to lose weight. There was a time when it would just drop off but I've been trying for a week and not shifted a pound. It makes me think I'm taking on my calories than I realise. It's frustrating because there have been times when I dropped weight without trying but now that I'm actually trying, nothing is happening.
I also ran into the professor today. He seems to be in an amazingly good mood recently. I've had more cuddles and kisses in the past week from him and SPM than I have in the past half year of my life.