Monday, November 28, 2011

warm and fuzzy and highly delusional

"How are you? Come in, have a seat. You're looking well. That is a lovely dress, very fitted. Your hair is looking very nice, it's sitting very well. What shoes are you wearing? Lift your feet higher, I can't see them. Oh, they're very cute."

He has an amazing way of making me feel like an absolute doll. Even if only for a moment. But I must say, I've never had that many compliments strung in a row. I've only been in his office for a few seconds and I'm already getting to feeling pretty cute. This is the highly delusional part.

After a long conversation about other people and our childhoods and stuff that was stressing him out. Then there was that one awkward moment when he asked me what my weaknesses were and I refused to tell him. But all things considered, I walked out feeling pretty warm and fuzzy.

He hasn't told me that I look too thin for a long time. I think he's really happy that I'm not losing weight. I don't want to upset him. But if I have anything to do with my weight, he's going to be upset soon. I'm starting to feel more and more guilty about my weight loss attempts. It upsets him. I don't want to worry him. And he really is so very good to me.

But I need to lose weight. This is an internal battle that I can't win either way. I've resolved that I'm not going to use laxies on weekdays. This makes me feel better because if he knew I was using laxies...I don't even know what would happen. So, if hypothetically he knew about it, he'd be pleased about me cutting down on them. And this makes me feel better. Somehow. Twisted logic that I don't really understand even if I'm using it.

Weight loss plan today was an utter disaster. Ended up having a huge lunch with a friend of mine. In my defense, she is going to Ghana tomorrow and I won't see her for a long time. But tomorrow, IT ALL BEGINS! I swear.

BIG thank yous to Jackie, Fat Piggy and strive4perfection for your lovely supportive comments on my last post. You guys really did help me calm down out of my panic. And so I made a plan of what I'm going to do. And now I feel much more calm.

And I see that I have 47 followers! What! How did that happen!!! HELLO my new followers!!! Sorry that you had to catch me in the middle of a breakdown, but it must make these posts more interesting somehow right?


  1. I just read through all of your posts and just when I'm about to comment a new one pops up!

    Regarding your last post, I've seen that program and I remember thinking that there was no way she was a size 10, even if the camera does put on 10 pounds. I always thought that a size 10 was small but now that I am that size, I'm beginning to disagree. Argh, we're never going to be happy are we?

    Onto this post, its so nice when someone makes you feel all warm and fuzzy inside. I've never used laxatives before but I have been seriously tempted to pick up a box whenever I'm at the chemist. I'm scared that I'll end up being dependant on them so I think that it's a really good idea that you'll only use them on the weekend, for your own safety. Your big lunch is also completely understandable so don't fret too much about it.

    "Tomorrow it all begins"; I agree, I'm fasting for the sake of it :)

    Stay safe!!


  2. he seems like a really nice guy and he says lots of nice things.
    just be careful about how much of your worth you let him control. romance is a tricky game to play.

    cutting down on laxies will be good. it'll be best in the long run, anyway.

  3. I'm glad you're feeling good about yourself! You deserve it. Just try to make room for what you want too. I definitely know how it is to put others in front of yourself but it's good to think of yourself every once in a while too. Also, good for you cutting down on laxies!! As always, I'm supporting you =]

  4. It is always lovely when you have someone who can make you feel like absolute gold. :)
    But then, when you do things that you think may upset them, you feel about a million times more guilty than you would if it were anyone else, which is the downside.
    I hope that things are going better for you now and starting to look up.
    Oh, and you have 48 followers, not 47. ;)
    Stay positive, stay beautiful! <3

  5. wow, that describes my relationship with my boyfriend perfectly.. i don't want to upset him. he's happy when i'm not losing, but i'm not happy. and vice versa. same with the laxies.. i know he'd be proud if i stopped them, and i did. even thoguh he's never known any of that. it's a confusing relationship isn't it?
    (though i know you're not talking about your boyfriend ahah) confusing relationships of all kinds..