Monday, November 28, 2011
warm and fuzzy and highly delusional
"How are you? Come in, have a seat. You're looking well. That is a lovely dress, very fitted. Your hair is looking very nice, it's sitting very well. What shoes are you wearing? Lift your feet higher, I can't see them. Oh, they're very cute."
He has an amazing way of making me feel like an absolute doll. Even if only for a moment. But I must say, I've never had that many compliments strung in a row. I've only been in his office for a few seconds and I'm already getting to feeling pretty cute. This is the highly delusional part.
After a long conversation about other people and our childhoods and stuff that was stressing him out. Then there was that one awkward moment when he asked me what my weaknesses were and I refused to tell him. But all things considered, I walked out feeling pretty warm and fuzzy.
He hasn't told me that I look too thin for a long time. I think he's really happy that I'm not losing weight. I don't want to upset him. But if I have anything to do with my weight, he's going to be upset soon. I'm starting to feel more and more guilty about my weight loss attempts. It upsets him. I don't want to worry him. And he really is so very good to me.
But I need to lose weight. This is an internal battle that I can't win either way. I've resolved that I'm not going to use laxies on weekdays. This makes me feel better because if he knew I was using laxies...I don't even know what would happen. So, if hypothetically he knew about it, he'd be pleased about me cutting down on them. And this makes me feel better. Somehow. Twisted logic that I don't really understand even if I'm using it.
Weight loss plan today was an utter disaster. Ended up having a huge lunch with a friend of mine. In my defense, she is going to Ghana tomorrow and I won't see her for a long time. But tomorrow, IT ALL BEGINS! I swear.
BIG thank yous to Jackie, Fat Piggy and strive4perfection for your lovely supportive comments on my last post. You guys really did help me calm down out of my panic. And so I made a plan of what I'm going to do. And now I feel much more calm.
And I see that I have 47 followers! What! How did that happen!!! HELLO my new followers!!! Sorry that you had to catch me in the middle of a breakdown, but it must make these posts more interesting somehow right?