Thursday, October 20, 2011
the professor and my fitness to practice
My 100th post!!!!!!!!! I am amazed. Quite proud of myself really, I wasn't sure I'd keep it up for this long. I've been trying to lose weight for as long as I can remember, but this is the first time an attempt has lasted almost a year (and actually amounted in much success). I'm now back to below the weight I was at when I was at high school and I'm happy about that. I'm not at my goal weight yet, but looking on facebook, all my high school classmates have gained weight so now if I ever have the misfortune of seeing one of them again, they won't be able to call me fat. Bitches.
I thought that post no. 100 ought to be dedicated to the professor and I say this in a rather satirical manner because if he could read this, he would kick my ass from here till infinity. Also, I mention him quite a bit so it's only fair that I explain a little bit more about him. He was one of the triggers for this serious weight loss attempt and ironically, he is the one most worried about it. He's been there from the start of this journey and will continue to be part of it, for at least another month and a bit.
The professor is a man who is head of department of ophthalmology and is THE man in his field in this country. He is married to J, who runs the laboratories in the department. They are about the same age as my parents and have no children of their own. Between the two of them they have some of the sharpest minds I have ever encountered. And it is because of this that I regard them both with a great amount of suspicion because you never know what they've noticed about you.
Although they are both rather picky, the professor is absolutely notorious for it. While they are both extremely professional, they rarely take exception to people and are known for being tough on students. The professor simply terrorises the other students who come into contact with him and has quite the reputation because of it. He makes them shake in their boots, and makes me shake in my boots too.
They have both taken exception to me for a number of reasons. The professor has a brother who has daughters. I suspect that the reason the professor and J have no children of their own is because J has an eating disorder. Although I don't know this for sure, J is very slim, she is dedicated to exercising and I was convinced of it when I went out to lunch with them and J's eating patterns and the professor always watching her eat sealed the diagnosis.
The fact that they want a daughter (as every single person they have ever both really liked has been a girl) and their heightened awareness of EDs makes me an almost ideal person for them to be drawn to. Plus, I'm also hard working and charming when I need to be lol.
And they are both like parents to me. As I have a non-functional father and a largely absent mother, I crave being parented and having proper parents. I'm extremely infantile and I love being looked after even though I am almost 22 years old and live away from home.
That's probably why I find them so triggering. (And as it turns out, this post has become another occasion when I slow walk myself to some epiphany.) I never could be good enough for my own parents and my father constantly told me I was too fat and ugly. Now that I have given them the affection I would've given my real parents, I am trying to be thin for them, to make sure that they like me.
Only this has become extremely problematic. I am now terrified that they will question my fitness to practice and insist that I get treatment in order to continue working as a doctor. I have no idea what will happen if they tell me they want to do that. So, in the meantime, as I continue to lose weight, I have to be careful to hide it.
By the way, I have lost 2lbs and am now down to 121lbs! Only 6lbs away from my next goal weight! I hope to crack that within the next 2 weeks.
So for the next 2 months while I am back working for the professor and J, I will be watching every single step that I take. I intend to start work in the afternoons so they don't see that I miss lunch, and work into the night so that my family don't see that I miss dinner. And I plan to spend the mornings working out. With that combination, I should be able to drop more weight. We shall see how it all goes.
I know that they were both concerned about my weight loss in the middle of the year, as was most of the department actually. I don't know how they will respond when I start losing weight while working for them. Hopefully, as they will see me everyday, they might not notice it so much. I don't need them trying to feed me.
And then I find myself so torn. I want nothing more than to be thin. But I think I might have found some people who actually care about me and I don't want to piss them off.