Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Started work and I can already sense the trouble. I must have been seriously deluding myself when I thought that I wouldn't have any trouble losing weight and working at the same time. Today was my first proper day of work and everyone I spoke to in the department are up in arms about my weight.
I have completely mixed feelings about this. On the one hand I am completely flattered. I feel great when people notice that I've lost weight. It's marvellous affirmation of what I am doing and I feel like my work has paid off. For a fleeting moment, a wonderful fleeting moment, my soul feels light as a feather and I feel like I'm floating away, a shadow of myself, floating with the light, pure and holy. But it is only for a moment. Deep down I know I am still fat, that I haven't changed weight from the second before they told me I looked thin, and that I am still extremely fat, that I look pregnant and that I have many, many more pounds to lose before I am content.
On another level there is fear. These are no nonsense people. I didn't expect anyone to notice my weight loss, especially because I have lost so little since I last saw them, so little that I can't notice a change at all. If they can see weight loss that I can't see, what are they going to do about weight loss that even I can see?
This fear is especially because I haven't seen the professor yet. And he is the one who is hawk eyed about my weight. If he thinks I've lost weight, I am going to get my ass kicked. I am going be sitting in shit up to my eyeballs. But I may be able to avoid seeing him for quite a while yet so I have some self preservation time left. I have no idea what might happen if he decides I've lost too much weight. I just know with a certain degree of certainty that if that day comes to pass, shit will hit the fan.
Lucky for me the work that I'm doing doesn't really require me to be that exposed o the department so they can't really be giving me a hard time for losing weight. I will lose the weight, regardless of what other people think. I know that I'm fat and I will be thin!
With great relief I find that I am back to 121lbs today. Got rid of that one stupid pound! My legs are so sore I can barely bend them. Still, that one pound gain made me drag myself out running, it's a really odd feeling, running with legs so sore that they feel completely unstable. I will have to start doing more yoga to tone my upper half.
To end this post with some sort of a positive note, if I stand with my feet together, only the tops of my thighs touch and if I tilt my pelvis, then I have the most slender little gap between them. It's insignificant. It's not really a gap, it doesn't count until I can stand with my feet together with no pelvic tilt and see a gap. But it is encouraging. It means that it is possible. And it means that I'm close. When I reach 115lbs, I should see some sort of gap. I can't wait!
Fat Piggy-thank you for your comment. I hate looking pregnant, I can't believe someone actually thought you were pregnant! You look slim to me! I would've been tempted to slap their face! Hope the exams went well.
Jackie-I know that 1lb isn't a huge deal, but still, like you said, I can't help but feel like a failure for it. If only the scales would only go down!