Friday, October 28, 2011
Well this certainly is a new experience for me. Never in my life have I tried to make myself look fat. I haven't completely lost my mind. I'm not actually trying to gain weight. I'm just trying to make it look like I haven't lost any more. I had a wee bit of a panic after work and now realise that I'm in really quite deep. I can't stop the weight loss. I can't bear the thought of not losing more weight. All I can think of is how I can alter my eating and exercise to lose weight even faster and how upset I am at not losing weight fast enough.
When I look in the mirror all I see is fat everywhere and problem areas and places that are so hideous, I can barely bring myself to look, but I force myself to. I have no idea what everyone is on about when they say that I definitely look like I've lost weight because the scales haven't changed and my clothes don't feel any looser. I don't know why people are so worried, I've still got lots of fat left on me, there is definitely no cause for concern.
I'm not totally out of touch with reality. I can understand that if I was super thin, people might be concerned but as I'm still really fat, there is nothing to be concerned about. I do find it flattering but it is starting to get extremely annoying, and it is making weight loss more complicated. For the first time in my life I'm finding myself trying to work out how slowly I can lose weight without people noticing and what I can wear to look fat.
It's much more traumatic than I thought it would be. I hate looking fat and I've always tried to look thin so to make myself look fatter than I am is an extremely hard thing to do. Still, whatever it may take to keep my job and continue to lose weight!