Wednesday, January 4, 2012

love is just a camouflage for what resembles rage again

Christina, Domino, Jackie, be_thinspirational: you girls rock! Thank you for your lovely comments on my last post! So encouraging, you really made my day. 

Well I'm settled in to my new home and tomorrow is my first real day of work. It's going to be a shock to the system! I'm still jetlagged and I'm pretty darn sure I don't real a thing about general medicine. Some of my other colleagues who have already started in other cities have been thrown in the deep end so I'm really bracing myself for something quite harsh tomorrow. I think I will stay up and study lots. 

If I'm tired tomorrow, I can blame the jetlag. At least the studying will make me feel better, even if it doesn't actually make a difference. 

I binged again today. Well, it's a different sort of binge. There really isn't much food in the house and so each binge is quite small in comparison. I'm pretty sure I did about 800-1000cal today. It was all in one meal, so you know, big binge but all in all, not an absolutely disastrous intake. 

I'm struggling to recover from the Singapore binges so I'm counting today as progress. Hopefully by next week I will be able to start cutting down on my intake a bit more. I'm hoping to have a daily intake of maybe 300-500cal. This isn't hugely easy however. Somehow my flatmate and I have been sharing the cost of food. And so in some sort of deranged default setting, I've been eating half the food. 

I'm doing my vegan diet soon so that should hopefully put a stop to that! 

Do you remember me saying that moving out might be better for my mental health? Well, it's sort of been like one step forward, one step back. While I'm free from my parents, the prospect of facing them every weekend is a bit daunting. Also, my flatmate, who is one of my best friends, has come back from her summer in Africa changed. 

Very subtly so, but there is definitely a shift in her personality. I am totally and utterly guessing here, but I'd say that she fell in love with a guy in Africa. She's acting in a strange way, not quite her usual. And the things that she wants to do now are not what she would normally want to do. He calls her most nights and she texts him a lot. Considering that he's in Togo (somewhere in West Africa), the money that they are both burning through is amazing. Plus, she's paying him money to tutor children in Africa in order to supplement his income. 

The whole thing makes me feel very uncomfortable for some reason. Also, it makes me feel very lonely. She's normally so silly and fully of antics and keeps me entertained but now, this new her, it's just not the same. She's still a delight to flat with, but I feel much more lonely. Even though she is here, somehow it feels like she is in Africa with him. 

So now, I really feel like I don't have anyone to talk to. Also, I found out that 3 of my friends failed last year and are repeating it. This all makes me feel sad. Part of me can't wait to go back to see the professor. Part of me thinks that if I just hand all control over to him, everything will be okay. But all of me won't let me do that. 

Part of me wants to email him all this just so I don't feel so lonely. But I can't let myself do that either. I really didn't think I'd feel this alone. Even my parents would be welcome company right now. But in the words of Slipknot: If I'm alone I cannot hate. I don't deserve to have you. My smile was taken long ago, if I can change I hope I never know. 

Thank goodness I only have 2 days of work this week. I still haven't found a suitable gym. But I'm working on it. I already can't wait for the weekend because really, what happens this weekend is going to set the tone for how this year might progress. 


  1. Mm...Im sorry you feel lonely, even with a old friend around. People change all the time, but im sure one of your colleagues and you will share a spark of similarity:) plus blogging will help keep you connected, we care for you. Dont worry this year will fab, and general medicine will eventually feel more natural to you. I understand some anxiety and hesitation. Just remember making changes sometimes pushes you to feel uncomfortable, but thats how you learn and grow.

  2. It's probably just a phase she's going through. She might be so in love with this guy that she forgets the world around her. I hope she realizes that your here too and spends some time with you as well.

    That's not a bad binge.
    Good luck with going vegan!