Monday, January 2, 2012
Thank you to Zapfire, Jackie, Domino and Fiona for your comments on my last post. Thank you all for being so supportive of me, and for all your kind words. I appreciate them all and I love reading them.
I look down at my finger and I see them sparkle like the sun on the sea. 3 dainty little diamonds sitting in a little platinum heart on a thin platinum band. I slide it off my pudgy finger. Such a beautiful thing deserves a more worthy bearer than me. Ungrateful little bitch. My ring cost more than any of the engagement rings of my married friends. I should be happy. Why aren't I happy?
It means nothing to me. It symbolises the hollowness and ego boost that comes with any consumerist comfort. My father proudly paid for it but it makes me think of all the torment and all the tears and blood that I have spilt on his account. Blood diamonds, that's what they are. Tiffany&Co hearts might be a symbol of love but I don't feel loved at all. It's all a bit too little, too late.
In a strange way it is better than any cut I could ever make on my body. It's a tauntingly, hauntingly beautiful reminder that I am not enough, that I am not worthy, that I am not beautiful.
This house holds no sentiment for me. No place ever has. It's just a roof to sleep under, shared with people who all want something from me. It's all I've ever known. I do not feel safe here. I do not feel loved here. I do not feel I belong here.
I used to want to make it work. I wanted to feel what every child should feel from their parents. I want to be loved unconditionally. Loved for all my faults and all my deficiencies. I used to want a happily ever after. I wanted a fresh start. To go back to zero and forget all the hurt and start new and be a proper family.
That's not possible. They would never understand. They aren't capable of giving me what I want and what I need. The only option is to go.
Some people tell me that the professor cares about me. If this is what it feels like to be cared for then it is nothing short of absolutely terrifying. I was hoping he'd forget all that I said to him. I was hoping to let it slide on by into the cold depths of my memory where I would file it under "near misses". But he wants to see me this weekend and I don't know what to do. I don't really have a choice. All I can try to do is damage control.
Just thinking about it makes me want to cry. Opening up is not easy and I don't want to do it. I have been so judged and held up to ridicule for being Asian and for being fat, for things that aren't exactly bad per se that I can't even imagine what evil I will be exposed to if I confess to what I have been doing. I might be kicked out of medical school. I might be told to take a year off and sort my shit out.
She's got a ticket to ride and she don't care. I'll be humming this as I wait for my train if that is what it comes to. I don't care about doing something good and leaving behind reasons to be missed. I don't want people to miss me. I don't want people to remember me. Ideally, everyone would just get on with their lives and if I'm lucky enough I will be scattered into the ocean that I love so much.
But the professor doesn't know any of this. If he did, I'd probably be under psychiatric hold right now.
Perk up fat bitch. Perk up and say that you are okay. That things will work out this year. Happy and healthy, that's what you are, tell him that's what you are.
He keeps telling me, in every email, that he wishes me a happy and healthy 2012. It's a very deliberate thing. Happy and healthy, two things that he definitely doesn't think I am. Is it possible to suddenly become happy and healthy in a week? Can I even negotiate new terms? I have a feeling this matter is a very non-negotiable one to him.
But how will he check up on me? Seeing me once a week isn't going to stop me losing weight. I dare not imagine what threats he might make to force me into compliance.
This wonderful little world of control that I've meticulously built for myself is crumbling. The professor is blowing away my castle in the clouds. I don't want to let go.
What am I afraid of? Is it losing my job? Is it the professor? Is it gaining weight? Or is it simply the uncertainty.
List of things to do this week:
Move out of home to my new city where I will be training this year.
Join the gym.
Start a new diet and exercise plan.
Lose some freaking weight!
See the professor.
I wish you lovely ladies all a wonderful 2012. I hope it is everything that you want it to be and more. In the words of the professor, full of happiness and health. I love you all.