Friday, January 14, 2011
every temporary high
Firstly, let me say a big thank you to the girls following me! You guys mean so much to me, thank you a million times over and I hope that I don't fail you and I will fast my ass off to make sure I don't!
I'm writing with aching triceps today because I got these kettle bells for christmas and I have been doing triceps pulls on them. My triceps have always been tremendously weak but now is the time for doing exercise! I've decided that I'm going to do 500 crunches before I go to bed each night, I'm sure it all helps the general effort.
Hopefully when uni starts all over again I will be able to fit in a more rigid diet and exercise plan into my daily routine. I look forward to being in the hospital again, all that walking did me lots of good and sitting on my ass all summer certainly didn't. Besides, being in a hospital will provide me with ample distraction from food and on top of that, the hospital food is yuck and expensive. It sounds like everything is really going my way, or will start to go my way starting next week and I really hope that'll be the case!
I had a look at some thinspo last night. It helps to motivate me to exercise, whereas I find that reverse thinspo helps me curb my appetite. My sore spot is the fat on my thighs. I don't know why but I suppose most girls have one trouble area that they hate more than others. I hate my legs so much. I hate my thighs. I have really short legs anyway and short, fat legs must be one of the most unattractive things in the world.
Words cannot express how much I love those pictures. I lack the eloquency to say how happy I will feel when I look in a mirror and see a gap between my thighs. At one point in time I was very close to that, I was starting to get a gap when I was about 110lbs and then it all just spiralled away and now I am 125lbs (down from 134lbs though!) and there is no gap by anyone's standards. Still, I know I am capable of it and when I am 110lbs again I shall look forward to developing that gap even more.
I'm thinking of getting a tattoo at the top of my left thigh, just a small one that says "mea culpa" to remind myself that the fat there is only there because of my stupidity and only I can get rid of it. And once it is gone it will remind me of where I came from and not never let myself get that way.
But I must wait to get paid because I have no money, quite literally. I've been working all summer and haven't been paid once yet. At this rate I will have no money for food (which suits me fine) but I will also have no money to pay rent and I don't want to be homeless.
Jones is now in Barcelona. Before he left he sent me an incredibly detailed itinerary which absolutely sucks because now I know exactly where he will be every day. A few days ago he sent me a brief email to say that the reason I haven't heard from him isn't because of his chronic fatigue but because he's enjoying forgetting all about his life here and just being with his sister in Holland and not having to think about home. For some reason this made me very angry. I thought, I've been barely sleeping for the past 2 weeks worrying about you and all you can say to me is that you are enjoying forgetting about me? I'm probably interpreting this with a very biased mindset but still. It made me think, when I move out of home and start hospital work again, I will forget all about you.
Had a meeting with SPM today. He is the doctor I am writing the paper with for Prof CNM. SPM is one of the loveliest and one of the most overworked people I have ever clamped my eyes on. He happened to catch me on a day where I hadn't eaten anything. I was allowed 400 calories that day but hadn't eaten anything. It was 3pm and I thought that if I could make it through to 3pm then I could make it a fasting day. But it was not to be! SPM hadn't had lunch and was bent on us having some food together once I had said that I hadn't eaten all day. The only excuse I could pull out was that if I ate now, I would surely be sick (which was perfectly true) and after much banter and much unnecessary worry on SPM's part I agreed to compromise that I would have a cup of coffee. Even so I had to wave away his attempts to buy me muffins at the cafe. SPM is truly lovely, but he will also be trouble if he even gets a slight whiff of my weight loss attempts.
Still, today is a good day! I can finally fit into one of my dresses, one that I haven't been able to wear for years because I got too fat for it! Fitting it again really boosted my morale and I can't wait to be too thin to wear it. I have bought a pair of trial pants. They're pink (my fav colour so it'll motivate me more) and they're just that tiny bit too small for me. I find buying clothes just that tiny bit too small is great motivation because I don't have to wait too long to fit into them and when I do I can't wait to be too thin to wear them.
I'm starting to get back to my old size because I'm starting to fit most of my wardrobe again. It's a good start but hey, 49kg is the target and damned and blast I will get there. At one point in time, when I was my thinnest I was 50kg, and so I know I can get damned close. Knowing that it's something I'm capable of makes a big difference. I'm not sure if 37kg is feasible for me, but I know 49 certainly is so that's what I'll shoot for first!
Afterall, everything is one step at a time.