the perfect instrument

I have been searching for the past hour for what I call "the perfect instrument". I've had an awful bloody day and binged several times and I've weighed myself and not lost any weight. Crap is not a strong enough word for how I'm feeling. Neither is shit. Now at times like these I need a little light relief and so as per usual I got my scalpel out then I had the idea of actually having some sort of crude design instead of just hacking away like I normally do.

Anyway, I ended up drawing some lines (because I can only cut in lines with blades, I'm not a fan of scratching away for various designs), 5 lines, 4 parallel to each other and the 5th line going through all 4 lines diagonally like a tally. But my scalpel isn't really shaped right to do that sort of cutting (so I've just ordered some more scalpel blades of a more appropriate shape online) and now I am on the hunt of something that will cut like that. But with an added dimension, I want these to scar. Scalpel blades give me immense control over direction and depth but they do not tend to scar. They leave a thin red line after the scab has fallen off and that eventually fades. I want a white scar after this and now I don't know what to cut with.

Scissors will definitely give me the scar I want but they offer much less control and so I don't think I'll be able to keep to the lines. I don't really know, I think my best bet is to just use the scissors really. The holy grail right now is that perfect instrument that will give me a nice scar without sacrificing my dexterity and control over the blade.

Jones has been back in Holland from Barcelona for 3 days now and I've heard no word from him. Frankly, I've given up but that doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt to think that he really doesn't care about me. I've been so busy lately that I haven't really thought about him much but today I got a whole lotta work heaped on me and this all at a time when I'm moving out of home for the first time, and going to live in a different city and about to start some serious training in the hospital. I'm feeling stressed and overwhelmed to say the least but worst of all, I'm losing all perspective so I can no longer tell if I have any right to feel so stressed and overwhelmed or if I'm just being a whiney little bitch.

So, all in all, a shit end to a shit day. I've given up all hope on Jones and I'm not going to contact him until he contacts me first. I'm now going to grab the sharpest, biggest pair of scissors I can find. If they don't scar up enough then I'll just do it again later on, when I've had a look at the scar and evaluated if it needs redoing.