Friday, January 28, 2011

my voice just echoes off these walls

Okay so having moved to another city (back now for weekend), we have no internet at home. We signed up with the stupid internet provider 2 weeks ago and every time we call them they tell us it's 5-10 days until we will be connected. So we call up again today, which is when they promised to have it up, and they tell us there was a problem with our order and now we have to start all over again and it'll be another 5-10 days till we have internet. Thus my absence. My humblest apologies girls and I promise to whip this internet provider's ass until we have internet.

Not having internet is so very crippling that it's almost sad how much we depend on it.

So that being said, I have a lot to say and I'm also very tired so I shall be succinct, after all, brevity is the soul of wit.

Firstly, I have been on almost a liquid fast all week. Lost 2lbs!!!!!!!!!! YAAAAAAAAY!!!! PROGRESS!!!! I say almost because I've been eating dinner. This is because dinner is a communal thing at my flat (annoying!) and my flatmates would notice if I didn't eat it. They are already concerned about me not having breakfast and lunch so I would really turn heads if I went on a proper liquid fast. But that probably also explains why I'm so lethargic...I ate a lot today, a binge if you will, because I knew I had to drive for a long time this afternoon to get home so I thought I'd need the energy, backfired though, because it just made me sleepy.

Started work again, which is exhausting but it is good to be back, but now I feel like I have no time to do the stuff I wanted and after effectively having no holiday, I'm burnt out already.

I just got an invitation to go to a prizegiving for a prize that I desperately want but have almost no hope of getting. This year it is being awarded to a girl called KD. Now, KD is the epitome of perfection. She is amazingly beautiful, she is tall and model thin, she is intelligent and tops every subject at uni, she does about 5 extra-curricular activities and has a gorgeous boyfriend. She is everything I want to be and more. But you see, this prize is in a particular academic field that I'm very interested in, so for her to get it...well, when I found out she was getting it, I just wanted to cry.

Not that I missed out, she is in the year above me so next year is my chance to get it, but it still hurts, seeing how smart and perfect she is, I know that I have no hope to getting it. But that department loves me, and they mean the world to me, and they would be so disappointed in me if I didn't get it. They would hate me and turn me out. That can't happen, but I am also not capable of getting that prize. I'm stuck. I'm so depressed right now, after finally realising the calibre of person that prize entails, I know I'm not capable of it. I'm not good enough for it. Not smart enough nor skilled enough in that area for it.

Jones is now back in the country. He came back almost a full day ago and I haven't heard from him since. The thing is, I have been so unspeakably hurt by his absolute silence since he left a month ago. I feel so abandoned and uncared for, the one person who I actually trusted and let in has now turned on me and won't contact me. It makes me feel like utter crap. I don't want to ever see him again. All I have to say to him is, you have hurt me more than you'll ever be able to comprehend so now you are dead to me.

I'm not even considering what I'll do if he starts communicating again. To me, that is so very unlikely that I haven't prepared for that possibility.

So right now, I feel abandoned, unloved, unworthy, stupid, ugly, fat, like a failure in every aspect of my life. I just want to cry and cut and cry some more and cut some more and eventually cry and bleed myself to sleep.

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