general medicine

2012 has ushered in a general feeling of confusion and despair and cold determination for me. Thank you to my Sammy (the gorgeous Jude Law) and ZapFire for your comments on my last post. I've missed you girls so much! 

I think my brain has been processing some stuff since that last post full of not much. Thought number 1, as always, is about my weight and food. I have to stop eating. There are no two ways about that. I weigh 124lbs and so that means I put on 5lbs in S'pore. This doesn't really surprise me since in one of those 5 days, my parents and I ate $65 of Haagen-Dazs. That was probably 2lbs right there. 

At any rate, I'm taking part in a study that means I will have to be on a vegan diet for 2 weeks. So that should help me kick start the restricting and fasting and weight loss. That combined with the gym. I almost can't wait to get started. I bought some clothes that are too tight for me in anticipation of weight loss so I kind of have to lose the weight because I want to wear the clothes!

Thought number 2 is about work. My papers are such a big mess in my head that I won't bore you with the details. I start work on Jan 4. With general medicine. Last time I did general medicine it was an unmitigated disaster so I approach it with a certain trepidation but also some determination that I will do better than last time. Once I graduate as a doctor, I will spend 2 years doing pretty much just general medicine so I better get good at it and get good at it fast. Part of me is looking forward to doing some solid general medicine before I give up the human body to focus on the human eye, part of me doesn't want to do anything general ever again. 

Thought number 0.5 or rather, thought infinity is about the professor. He's always haunting the back of my mind. I will email him and my other colleague about one of our projects and not mention anything else. I've been solidly praying (I'm not religious at all so when I pray you know things are serious. The only other time I pray is during take off and landing because I'm terrified of flying.) that he's somehow forgotten about everything that I said. Every day I regret telling him all that stuff. I wish I'd just sucked it up and kept it in and then I wouldn't be in this colossal mess. 

Tomorrow I will be visiting friends and the day after that I will move out. Then I will plan my diet and exercise. I swear to you all that I will be 50kg/100lbs by the end of this month, if not faster. I have to get there, I just have to. I'm so sick of being this weight and this fat, I really, really am. I want to be thin, I want to see bones, surely that's not too much to ask. 

I will be bringing my scales down to monitor everything. I will be thin. I will be.