Sunday, February 10, 2013
Day 13: I'd rather chase your shadow all my life than be afraid of my own
"I'd rather be with you. I'd rather not know where I'll be than be alone and convinced that I know."
Well in the space of 3 posts I've become completely and utterly lovestruck. This is bad news. Those of you who have been with me for quite a while will know that I absolutely hate it when this happens. Hate it. With a capital letter.
Dammit Mark. Dammit. Damn it all to hell.
But I just don't understand it. I don't know why I get so angry when this happens. Is it really such a bad thing? The majority of the world are able to be in relationships and completely lose the plot, why do I seem to think it will happen to me? This time it's so different as well. Mark isn't my usual guy. If I think back to all the guys that I've liked, and seriously wanted to be with, they're not like Mark.
They're rascals. They are people I wanted to fuck and leave. Or I wanted them to fuck me then leave me. They were around the same age as me, they were people who I thought I could definitely get if I tried. They weren't bad boys who I thought I could change into good boys with my love, they were bad boys who I wanted to be bad to me.
Sure, there have been good boys who liked me, but for whatever reason, I never really liked them back. And for whatever reason, I never tried with them, because...well, I don't know why I never tried. If I had tried, I would have definitely got them. What the fuck is wrong with me.
But Mark, Mark is different. He's not like the rest. He represents something more. He represents stability. I can't imagine him ever doing something bad to me, or anybody else. I can't imagine him being mad, I can't imagine him treating me badly, I can't imagine him cheating. But I can imagine him being passionate, and caring, and considerate. I can, I can, I can.
I don't remember liking anybody this much. And it's such a different sort of liking as well. When I think of him, I actually imagine things in the long term. The future, in two years, in five years, in ten. It's fucking scaring me. It's fucking scaring me.
I have no idea if Mark is married, or has a partner or a girlfriend. He could be gay for all I know. That's how far he throws me off. Even my gaydar is fucking broke as around him. I don't know how old he is, although I know a few random, useless facts about him after our dinner conversation. Which really isn't very much to go by.
He could think me a useless twat, or a foolish juvenile, or a dumbass ho. If someone came and told me that he thought I was one of those, I'd believe it without a shadow of a doubt. How can I know so little about someone yet feel so strongly about them. Am I just a fool?
This energy, this useless, directionless energy, I'm trying to make it something useful. Remember how I just couldn't eat in front of him, I'm naming the following diet after him. Hopefully it is something practical that I can definitely pull off at work and stick to for the rest of my working life without me getting into trouble. So here goes:
Morning: trim flat white coffee and a small bowel of porridge
Lunch: apple and water or coke zero
Dinner: (at work) one third of whatever they are serving in that cafeteria, (at home) one bag of instant noodles, of which I know the exact calories
-I will eat dinner if I am working a long day, because I know there is no way I can work a 16 hour day without dinner
-when I am having dinner at home, I can only do the noodle thing twice a week, on all other days, I will not have dinner
-on short days, I will do an afternoon workout. If I am eating noodles, I will run 8km. If I am not eating noodles, I will do an hour of yoga
-I will not eat anything fried, which happens to be at least half of everything served in the cafeteria
-on long days I will am allowed more than one cup of coffee
-and damn girls, I will stop snoozing my damn alarm clock and just get up on time and do the 30 day shred before my morning shower
The Mark Diet makes me feel slightly unsure because it is one of the harder diets to calorie count, but it is such a drastic change from what I'm doing now, I certainly think I will see some change in my weight. If I stick to it, my weight must go down, the fat must come off.
It must work, it just has to.