Thursday, February 28, 2013

if it hadn't been for Cotton Eyed Joe.

"Digging to the rhythm and the echo of a solitary siren, one that pushes me along and leaves me so desperate and ravenous. I'm weak and powerless."

With the safety net pulled out from beneath my feet I find myself medically managing all the orthopaedic patients. And it is so scary. These past few days I've been running on nothing at all. I don't know how I keep going. I've made a few silly mistakes as well. Today I was so hungry and nauseated and dizzy and deluded I had to ask a friend to come bail me out for an hour while I drank hot tea. I'm effectively breaking a 24 hour coffee and tea fast with a small meal each day.

Thinking of Mark makes me sick. I don't want to see him or speak to him. But I feel even more sick if I don't see him or speak to him because I don't know how to manage my patients' infections without him. And that thought scares me more than I dare to admit. So I call him every ten minutes until he answers his phone, and I run after him on the wards. 

Tell me what to do Mark. I don't know if this man will live without your advice. I know I'm asking dumb questions, I know I'm pissing you off, I know you want my bosses to do things that I can't get them to do. I'm only a little junior doctor and I'm doing my best, even if you don't think it's enough. I'm doing all I can. Tell me off as much as you want, if you've had a bad day, take it all out on me. Take it out on me, let it all out. All the bad things my bosses have done to you, all the unreasonable demands that they make, all the annoying patients, all the other doctors, all of us that won't leave you alone. Say what you like to me, but don't make my patients pay for my incompetences when you can cover the holes I'm leaving. 

So I say sorry over and over again, apologising for mistakes that aren't even mine. And I say thank you, over and over, and I tell him how unfair it is for him, how difficult it must be for him, and how much I appreciate him. And I eventually get what I need. Bloody long phone calls for the one sentence answer that I need. 

I'm stretched so thin. So thin. When people don't answer your calls for help, what do you do? How much longer can I battle on myself? 

But I get it done. I don't care. I don't care who I have to call, I spend all day ringing if I have to. At the end of the day, my patients are prepped for theatre, they're stable after theatre, they're discharged with a solid plan. I might be dying, but they're not. I'm so tired. I can't sleep at night. 

If it wasn't for Joe I'd be crying in the cupboards by now. He might call me every ten minutes with new jobs, he might pull me with him to see patients, but it's only because he trusts me. He's the first person in 3 months to acknowledge how hard I'm working. It makes me want to curl up cry on his shoulder because until he pointed it out, I hadn't realised how much I'd done. Until he said thank you, I didn't realise I was doing anything worthy of thanks. Such a small gesture, but it's made everything feel justified. 

If this isn't trial by fire, I don't know what is. 


  1. Gahhhhh! Gosh life as a junior doctor is intense :s Your account is oddly similar to something out of a Max Pemberton book (If you haven't read any of them, do - very very funny. The first one is 'Trust me, I'm a Junior Doctor').

    In any case, I'm so sorry to hear about the Mark ordeal :s it must be really hard to have to see him all day and rely on him too :s BUT there is always hope for SO MANY OTHER SEXY MEN! OK I know surgeons have bonkers schedules but aren't they meant to be super duper sexy? For all we know, Mark was just SOME GUY who just happened to be there at some point in your life, but it has been statistically proven that 99% of other males each have a 30% chance of being your soulmate! Well OK No, I just made that up, but the factor remains, there is a sexy uncomplicated chirpy Mr Judith Marie roaming the streets (not in a homeless guy kinda way) waiting for you (that sounds horrifically creepy but was meant in the romantic way).

    Comment over.

    Princess xxx

  2. shit i don't know how you're managing on this at all im just wow
    i'm starting to hate Mark but maybe it has something to do with me hating anything that has a penis
    omg when you were ranting about Mark, a little piece of me just died about the whole patients thing :( i haaaaaaaaaaate the idea of that. it's actually making me physically sick so i can't even begin to believe what you're going through, Jude!
    fuck babe. the whole 'bloody long phone calls for a one sentence answer' bit actually punched me in the face and refracted me against a convex lens that is passing through the optic centre (so i'm not deflected and i fall deep into a pit of misery).
    aww, love. im glad Joe is a good guy at least. i'd appreciate anyone who works hard. and i know you do. you're an amazing person, love.
    take care of yourself x now you've got me worried
    -Sam Lupin

  3. I have another friend who is just like with regards to her attitude towards work. And the more work you put in, the more is expected of you and it becomes entirely defeating because so much of it is thankless. At least you have Joe to hold your hand, but I think it is time to claw back from self-respect from Mark. You have demonstrated that you don't actually need him and as long as you do your job and make sure tht your patients are in good health and taken care of, you don't need him. I just read your previous post as well. Fucking girlfriend. What. A. Cock. Saying that (and I say this all the time) but you aren't going to be able to let you of your habit of relying on him until you are ready to do. Hopefully, you will get to a point where you realise that talking to him isn't fulfilling anymore, nor does it add anything to your life. I mean, obviously this is easier said than done... But the time where come when you get over it. Maybe if you just set yourself little targets of avoiding him for one day a week, then you can get used to not having his counsel. I dunno. It;s a tough one beautiful girl, but if anyone can do it, you can.

    Most love.
    Xo Xo