well fuck. this. shit.

"A little dream of mine, a little nightmare of yours to be us to take this plunge to forgive and forget. And be a better man, and be a better man, and be a better man."

Well, fuck. Guess who has a girlfriend? 

Well, no, it's not the blonde girl, even though I still feel nauseated seeing him with any other female. So in that sense she is perfect motivation. I've been fasting for 30 hours now, more than I've fasted in about 9 months or so. And I still don't want to eat but I know I have to. Tomorrow is going to be a shit day and if I don't eat now there is a real chance I'll pass out on the ward and that's just no good at all. 

Fuck. This. Shit. 

But I am somewhat relieved that I didn't make a move before finding this out. And I owe this knowledge to the network of gay guy friends I have who know everything about everyone and can find out anything within a day if need be. I told my gay best friend about Mark and he immediately went stalking with his boyfriend the night before last, and today, another gay guy told me that he had been out having dinner with his boyfriend when he'd seen Mark at the same place with his girlfriend. 

It must be magical to live in the gay world. It certainly sounds damned enchanted. I'm lucky to have an "in" I guess, not that this was the news I wanted. Well fuck. 

This sucks. Now I get to see Mark on a daily basis, but fate is a bitch and I'm now going to have to see him and know that I can't have him. I might be a lot of bad things but I am no home wrecker so I will have to suck it in and get on with life. 

On an upside, I'm loving orthopaedics on several levels. Firstly, THESE ARE SO MY KIND OF PEOPLE!!!! Christ, I'm loving it. Everyone is so nice to everyone else, and they all have the same sense of humour as me and we joke around and have coffee and they actually care about me and what I'm into outside of work. Yes, it is a boys club, that is traditionally the environment I flourish in. 

Secondly, I'm usually by myself. I don't have a team that chase me up around meal times, but they do buy me lots of coffee. I haven't had lunch with the team once. Today I got a sandwich to make it look like I was eating, but since my team weren't there, I just walked straight out of the canteen and threw it in the bin. I did consider eating it for a second but immediately knew that the knowledge of having fasted 30 hours would be more satisfying. 

I don't feel any lighter, after 3 days of restricting, I can't have lost any weight, but the feeling of being empty, and knowing that I had enough self control to fast makes me feel accomplished. 

If I keep this up, surely, surely I will lose weight. And if I keep seeing Mark everyday, knowing he's taken, will make me want to vomit everything.