Saturday, December 10, 2011

Darling Mia

As usual, thank you to Jackie, Christina, Anafly and Fiandshalimer for your lovely comments on my blog! I love you girls!

In my darkest hours when my phone is silent because all my friends are too busy with their own lives to answer my texts, when I can't sleep because of the tears, when my abdomen is aching for my binging or my fasting, Mia comes to me like an avenging angel. She holds and rocks me and smiles at me with love. Everything will be okay. She hands me the laxies. As soon as you take these. 

Sometimes Ana goes on holiday. But I'm never alone, when Ana is off keeping someone else company, Mia comes and takes my hand. Darling Mia, she whispers to me, she holds me when no one else will, she gives me hope when there is none. I swore I'd be off the laxies. Judith Marie doesn't like them. 

Judith Marie remember being at work, sitting in her room with her eyes shut, riding out the waves of pain coursing through her body, waiting for silence in the corridor so that she can run to the bathroom. The paranoia, hoping that nobody realises she is going to the bathroom every few minutes. Then she sits in the bathroom, in yet more pain, waiting for the person in the next stall to leave so that nobody sees her in there. 

But those moments are Mia's little triumphs. During my pain she points out to me that my abdomen is flatter now, and isn't that empty feeling just second to none? 

Recently I've been binging like mad. LIKE MAD. And Mia is with me during each binge, silent but watching. Immediately afterwards she tries to drag me to the bathroom. Vomit it up again. But Judith Marie refuses. She knows that it's bad. She knows it's really bad. She knows that if she does, she'll be letting a lot of people down. She knows that if anyone finds out it will be a one way ticket to the mental health ward. 

If you are wondering why everything seems to be so much in third person, it's because right now, I don't really understand my identity. I thought I was very Ana, now I seem to be much more Mia, and somewhere in there is Judith, desperate for an Ed free life. 

Never before now have I ever lost control while eating. I will eat and eat and there is an unbelievably strong urge to continue. There are no thoughts in my head. In a strange way it's really peaceful. No stress, no depression, just nothing. It's like a compulsion, I just do it. But immediately afterwards, I want to vomit. So far I haven't yet. And I really don't want to. But I will one day. 

Recently I've gone from one tiredness to another. I used to be fully exhausted and breathless from the restricting, now I'm exhausted by the binging. I hate this. Sometimes I want nothing more than to walk into the professor's office and tell him everything and ask for help. That's probably why I've been avoiding him lately. I'm scared somehow that bit of me that wants recovery will break through and blurt it out. 

The professor. I don't want to see him again. I'm scared. I'm scared of being found out and of giving myself away. I'm scared that he'll call me out for being so late with my work. I'm just scared. I don't want to see him. I care about him so much. I don't think I can face being rejected by him. I'll finish the work, I'll hand it in. Then I'll think about if I want to see him again. Seems stupid doesn't it, me burning the bridge between myself and the one person in my life who is even vaguely supportive. 

I counted my blades. I have nearly 100. I keep getting more of them. I am feeling that it's probably nearly time to cut something else into myself. 


  1. :( :( Flower, I'm so sad to hear that you are having such a rough time. Firstly, (this is going to be a mini essay) thank you from the bottom of my heart for all the inspiration, wisdom, knowledge and strength you have given me in the last two weeks. Your support is 150% invaluable. Secondly, I love the new pic on the top of your blog! SEXY MUCH!?. Then, we all lose control, I know that YOU DON't lose it, but it's the human condition as Dr Judith knows, everyone loses it. You work so hard, SO hard at varsity - don't let this affect your work. It is one thing that is perfect in your life. Also, don't distance yourself from the professor. Even if you are caught out, he is a source of comfort and support in your life. His concern is genuine, not patronising. And perhaps if you are falling behind on work, the best thing to do is to see him and let him know that you are struggling a bit, he will be there for you. I'm glad you are resisting mia. I hate purging :( :( - we all go through periods of hate, self loathing and loss. You know from my recent thing, I have no idea who I am anymore, but slowly we claw our way out of the hole and begin to see ourselves clearly. It's a long road petal, but all you can do is put on foot in front of the other. For now, perhaps you need the support of your friends (I don't want you to get as desperate and lonely as me) and to even reach out for a little bit of help just so that you stay on top of things. Keep fighting mia. That little bitch only has as much power as you give her. Always here for you! Always. Xo

  2. I was waiting for you blog to load and then BAAAMMM that picture hit me in the face. I love it. The colour coordination, the body and the tattoo are all just... wow!
    I know what you mean about not knowing who you are when it comes with ED's. I've never had to deal with Mia but when Ana and the part of me that binge's are battling it out Anafly gets lost somewhere in between, she doesn't know whether to follow Ana because Ana is actually who she is, or to follow the binger because that's who she really is or to follow neither because THAT's who she really is. So many different people shoved in the one body. I hope that makes sense?

    I hate to read that you're not in a good place at the moment because I want you to be happy. We are all here for you every step of the way to comfort, support and listen to you.
    The professor is good for you, he seems to help you think more clearly and sort out your head. He brings smiles to your face and that is priceless.

    You are beautiful lovely and kind so please stay strong.

    In response to the comment you left me, you always manage to make me laugh, I love it when you comment. Vegetarian is meant to be better for you weight wise if you do it right. Some vegetarians just eat more chocolate and cheese and stuff like that because it's easier for vego's to latch onto a particular food which isn't great for weight loss.
    I find it great though :)
    As to the fried ice-cream, it's insane, it's other worldly. I don't even know how they do it. Maybe I should google it too...
    Love Anafly

  3. first: awesome pic!

    second: I'm so sorry about the sadness and the hurting and purging. it's such a horrible trap to be caught in. it might not be such a bad idea to talk to your professor.

    i wish you all the best, as always.

    much love,