Monday, December 19, 2011

losing it COMPLETELY

Firstly, thank you to Princess perfection for your lovely comment on my last blog entry. Secondly, I deeply apologise for the hundreds and thousands of blog entries I've been doing lately. I don't normally post every day (or more often than that), but recently a LOT has been happening in my emotional world for some reason. 

It would appear that I'm sometimes seized by moments of absolute madness. Such as this morning when the professor caught me off guard with a meeting. I was just popping by his office and popped my head round to say hi. Which quickly turned into tea and a discussion about my eating. From my last post you can probably tell that my weekend didn't go that well. And I told him this. 

Which of course leads to discussion and I cried in front of him again. Apparently I'm making a habit of this and I'm not proud. I swore I would not ever cry in front of a supervisor and I've cried in front of this one twice. When my self esteem is being discussed, I just disintegrate. He tells me that several people have been talking to him about my weight. I don't see a difference at all. In my eyes, I still look exactly the same. I'm amazed that people think I've lost enough weight for them to concern themselves over it. 

He asks me if I have a boyfriend. I balk at the question. He knows the answer already. 

"You should have a boyfriend. I would have thought that someone as pretty and intelligent and caring as you would have had lots of boyfriends. Do you not think you're pretty enough to have a boyfriend?"

The question sends me reeling backwards. It's not one I expected. Also, it took my best friend a good 5 years to work out that as the reason for me not wanting a relationship so for the professor to just spit it out like that stunned me. I'm still stunned. And a bit worried about how easy I am to read. 

He is the only person I can't hold it together for. The way he looks at me just calls to some part of me and everything just comes flooding out. At some point in the conversation I feel like he's getting far too worked up about my eating. QUICK! DISTRACT HIM! is what my brain tells me to do. Without thinking, I say that my eating isn't a big deal, it's not what worries me the most. BIG MISTAKE. 

The expression on the professor's face becomes totally unreadable and he stops mid sentence. He demands to know what worries me more. The new look on his face makes me literally squirm in my seat. I'm writhing around, twisting my hands, not looking at him. Slowly, and with much trepidation, all I can manage to say is:

"Well...there is the self harm...the cutting."

Something in the professor snaps upon hearing this. I can see in his eyes that he has lost all self control and he looks at me in complete disbelief. He doesn't say anything and in my utter folly I try to fill the silence and start rambling on about it and how it's not that much of a big deal. I talk about cutting my forearm and he immediately grabs it and looks for scars. I show him the cuts on my thighs and the heart of my chest. I talk about the cuts on my abdomen that I can't show him because of my dress. 

Now there is a completely new dimension to his expression, which I'm studying with my heart in my mouth. If I didn't know better I would call it panic. 

"That's crazy. That's absolutely crazy. It's just not normal at all. What's to say that next time you won't do something stupid like cut your wrists? You need help, you need to get help now!" 

I'm scared now I've never seen him like this. He's not exactly angry, although it almost sounds like it. But his voice, his face, his manner, he's lost all self control now. If I were an outsider looking in, or if I were watching two other people in the exact same situation, I would say that he was rather scared and panicking and blurting out the frightening thoughts that raced across his mind because the shock had eliminated his ability to filter them. But I can't quite believe this of the professor. What he says next upsets me no end. It's along the lines of, my behaviour is completely mental and sick and he can't work with anyone this sick. There is so much judgement in it that I don't even bother trying to explain. 

He's almost climbing over his desk to look at my cuts more clearly, pointing out parts where I have cut deeper. Slowly but surely, some of his composure returns. I start working in another city next year on Jan 4. That weekend, I am coming back and he is going to take me on a long walk to discuss how I am going to get help. He's forcing me to get therapy. 

"People look back [at suicides] and say, oh that thing they did was a cry for help and wish that they'd done something about it. Well I'm hearing your cry for help and I'm going to do something."

Man, he's going to be PISSED when I kill myself. 

I'm not entirely sure how to interpret all this. But I'm certainly beyond the point of no return now. The professor knows absolutely everything now. I don't even want to think about what he thinks of me now. He clearly thinks I'm an absolute nutcase. He can't possibly want to work with me now. I'm just waiting for him to wash his hands of me soon. He can throw me into therapy and then disown me. 

That's how I lost it completely. 


  1. Oh wow. Wow wow wow wow wow.
    Reading that, I hate to say, made me jealous that someone cares about you so much.
    You have opened up to this man and he hasn't turned you away, he is trying to help you.
    That is so beautiful.
    So touching.
    There is obviously something he as well as other people see in you. You are special. So many people care for you. Please be careful.
    Reading this post warms my heart, it reminds me of those romantic teenage novels.
    I don't want you to ever kill yourself. Even though you do not see it, you are beautiful and gorgeous and kind and lovely.
    Please don't ever do something like that to yourself.
    Reading this post an odd emotion came over me.
    This post really touched and affected me.
    I love you

  2. All I can say
    I do not have enough composure to put into words my feelings at this moment.
    Like Anafly, I am deeply touched and affected by this post.
    Please, do not ever kill yourself.
    It is not worth it, my love.
    You are a wonderful, beautiful person, so deserving of everything good that life has to offer.
    Keep your chin up.
    Hang in there.
    And keep on, keepin' on.
    Much love, now and always.
    Stay positive, stay beautiful. <3

  3. It's so wonderful that he is so concerned for you. The amount of times where I have told someone about self harming and they've just shrugged it off. I guess part of you wants them to be concerned and yet the other part wants them to just ignore it.

    But gosh, I feel for you. It would have been terrifying. But Anafly and Princess are right, he must see that you are such an amazing person with so much potential and he hates seeing you this way. I'm sure that he doesn't think that you're a nutcase, he's just so worried for you. I am too and I really wish that there was something that I could do that would really help you.

    I love you, hang in there sweetheart.

  4. Hang in there hun. I know it's hard to believe but he's saying this out of love and concern for you. When someone you love and care about tells you they've been self harming it sends to utter shock. Someone who looks to me as a mentor told she used to cut herself and, even though I do the same thing, I just wanted to cry. It felt like it was my fault that I hadn't done something to stop her. I wanted to show her how wonderful she is; it killed me that she felt the need to cut. That's exactly how he feels about you. He just wants you to be okay. He wasn't judging. Try looking at it for what it is, you've got a great relationship with someone who wants to be there for you. It's okay to open up and lean on him.

    Also, please don't kill yourself. You are worth so much more than that. I'm sorry I haven't been writing on your posts so often, I've been away from my blog for a while. But I promise you that you deserve to live a happy life. The self-harming and eating habits are both things I can relate to you on. Trust me. And i've had thoughts of suicide and sometimes I really mean it. But please don't do that to yourself. It would break my heart, and it would break the professors heart, and you'd be breaking your heart. You don't need to do this for me or for the professor or for anyone else. Do it for yourself. You're worth it.

    Keep your head high baby girl <3

  5. ugh that is so much for you to worry about. i'm glad you told someone about the self-harm, but it seems like someone knowing is causing even more stress. I really hope if you decide to get therapy that it helps you.