Friday, December 16, 2011


Old habits die hard. 2 whole days have passed since I last used laxies. But I'm bloated and ugly and fat. I hate this. So I only ate dinner today. It was a binge too, but I bet it's around 1000cal. 

I have so much ugly fat on my belly. I have so much ugly fat on my thighs and my arms. 

I had to buy a new bra today. My cup size? DD. THIS FUCKING SUCKS!!! I hate my boobs. They are fucking enormous. I really wish they were smaller. 

After my talk with the professor, I was feeling super good for a few hours. I felt like I was thin, like I could do with gaining a few kilos. Everything he said, I believed. For a couple of hours. Then it all came crashing down when I looked in the mirror. I am bloated and fat and ugly and absolutely disgusting to look at. I want slender gazelle thighs with a gorgeous gap between them. I want a concave stomach with my hip bones and my ribs sticking out. I want much smaller boobs I want my arms and calves to be thin, so that I can feel the bones easily and not be able to pinch a layer of fat. 


I don't know how to live and not be trying to lose weight. I've been trying to lose weight for as long as I can remember. I don't know how to eat something and not think about the calories in it and feel guilty about consuming it. I don't know how to feel accomplished without fasting. I don't know any thrill equal to standing on a scale and seeing that I've lost weight. 

I also don't know how I'm going to get around the professor. All I know is that I have to keep trying to lose weight. I will not spend the rest of my life being this disgusting and vile. I will be beautiful and boney thin. 

I hate that I haven't lost any weight for a long time. I hate all the fat on my body. I hate myself for being so weak and actually for a second thinking I might not want to do this. I wish I could snap my fingers and just be a size zero. 

I went shopping with one of my best friends yesterday. She bought some size 0 jeans. I wanted to die. She's much smaller than me so I am still so far from the size 0 dream. But I will get there one day. I have to. But what do I do about the professor. 

Maybe he'll be too busy to notice. Too busy to bother with me. Too busy to remember that conversation. Too busy to notice my absence. 

1 comment:

  1. Holy SHIT! What have I missed. Darling flower. I am so glad you opened up to the professor. But just remember that recovery is a long hard road, and you aren't going to get your head in that right space for a very long time. As you said, old habits die hard. If you fall of the wagon, remember that you have lovely people that will pick you up and dust you off. I am so jealous that you have someone like that in your life that cares so much. :) :) If you feel the need to lax it, then don't make yourself miserable about it. Just try remember how you felt while the professor was talking to you. And maybe, don't actively try to gain just yet. Perhaps you should try to get used to the idea of staying at the same weight you are now. Then get to gaining weight a bit later. Baby steps? Apologies for the absence, but still always here for you! Xo