Tuesday, December 13, 2011
nowhere to go but up
Firstly I want to start off by saying sorry to anyone who has been reading my blog lately. It's become like some sort of super agony column and I've been nothing short of a misery on here. So I'm going to try be more positive. I feel like this must be rock bottom so I have no place to go from here but up.
Over the past few days I've really just lost it in terms of my food control. I've spent hundreds of dollars on food and binged like mad. Then I've taken lots of laxies. Having previously sworn that I would never take more than the normal dose of laxies, I've doubled the dose and boy am I feeling the effects.
I've not had a proper night's sleep because I'm up in the early mornings in the bathroom, then I don't really go back to sleep because I have to go to work. Which isn't going well at all. It's starting to scare me because work was all that I really excelled at and now, the machine I use keeps breaking down and I'm well behind. It's not my fault but I'm still stressed. Despite all the advice to not avoid the professor, I still am, and I can't help it.
It's like I'm convinced he's going to immediately start hating me. That, and I'm scared I'll blurt out everything and just lose the plot. I almost cried in front of him last time so I'm trying to steel myself for future encounters. Something's gotta break here and I'm pretty sure it will be my career. To be honest, I almost hope it happens. I'm starting to think that I'll off myself before I start any sort of ophthalmology work. It's notoriously hard to get into and I'd just be being selfish if I took the spot of someone who is more deserving. I'll just do my dues as a general doctor for a few years and that'll be me done.
But my laxies, they have to stop. Largely because I've run out of them. I'm going to do whatever I can to not buy any more. My guts ache from all the binging and the laxies. So I guess I won't be taking any more. But I've taken so many of them that I'm just almost always needing the bathroom and I hate that. I also don't want to vomit. So it will be back to restricting.
Today I threw away the left over food from my binge yesterday. I really wanted to eat something but as usual, my house is full of sad looking old fruit and frozen meat. So I've resolved to fast today. I might have a coffee sometime though. I've almost done a 24hour fast by now anyway.
Yesterday my father attacked me again. I was just lying in bed, rather early, on the computer and he barged in and immediately started telling me that I never do anything properly and how I look so horrible and ugly just lying there like a fat slob. Then I felt so bad that I went for a 200km drive through really, really poor countryside. It was really tragic but beautiful scenery and I drove really fast. There were no police and so I drove the winding roads as fast as my car would go, maybe 140km/h. The roads go and up and down the mountains and are really winding and I felt like world rally champion.
Part of me needs that. I need to be in a really dangerous position to feel alive. So for me, fruit and veges now, and fasting today. I can't ever begin to express how confused I am right now. But I'm going to try and cut out the laxies because they are terrible. Surprisingly, it's not that easy.
I don't know. Maybe I will talk to the professor. But that scares me. I don't know. I don't know what to do.
The binging has taken a toll. I weigh 122lbs now. 3lbs up. But I feel like I weigh 140lbs again. I feel like I look that fat again.
Oh well, nowhere to go but up! Gotta do my best. Thanks for all the comments and all the support.