Friday, December 2, 2011

I've discovered the underline button.

I think I'm reaching that stage where I'm so old and tired, too tired to be paranoid and be in denial and to get in my own way. This is probably the first time I've been able to see my situation clearly. 

Firstly, I'd like to say thank you to Christina. LOVE YA GIRL!!! Don't you EVER apologise for leaving long comments. I LOVE your long comments, especially since you always agree with me! It's a very egotistical thing, but I love it when people agree with me. Leave as many long comments as you want! Hell, leave even longer comments! Have you seen how long some of my comments are? Freaking long! 

Secondly, I'm really starting to get more of an idea of how I look. I don't think I'm ever going to think that I'm pretty or thin enough, but I know that some of my outfits are a bit...well, a little...tarty. Not that I ever show that much skin. I have a strict rule, I'm it's low cut, then I either wear pants or the skirt will be just above my knees, no higher. But I seem to...gravitate towards, super professional tarty clothes. 

It got me in a bit of trouble today. Which is probably the only reason I noticed. My access card to campus stopped working and I needed security to show me up to the department. The entire way there the security man was telling me how good I looked and how beautiful I was and insisted on taking me the entire way. It wasn't flattering in the slightest. It creeped me out like mad. 

I went straight to ask for my access card to be extended. I'm also probably going to ask the professor to give me after hours access so I can work some weekends too. So I never have to ask security to show me up. I was really, really scared although I'm not sure why. 

I remember saying that I would be flattered if a complete stranger told me I was beautiful. No, I was so wrong. I'm not flattered at all. Just scared

Today I wore a dress that I've not been able to wear for 5 years because I was too fat. It's made of that sort of material that shows off every single lump and bump. I still had lumps and bumps today, but far fewer than before and I sort of felt like I deserved to wear that dress again. 

The professor was very nice to me. He said that I looked great and tres chic. Then continued to refer to yesterday's patients that we operated on as my patients and then presented them to them as if he was the student and I was his boss and then introduced me to another doctor who is on the board that chooses who gets onto the training scheme. It was most bizarre. I did not know what to say. Sometimes he acts as if I'm his boss and then lets people know that he's doing EXACTLY what I want him to do. 

Honestly, with professors like that, who needs boyfriends. He compliments me and tells me that I look good, he buys me coffee, he does what I want him to do. AND he also pays me, gives me publications to speed up my career path, introduces me to people who matter, mentors me and even gave me my first proper nickname. That's like, so much better than any boyfriend I could ever imagine. 

And one other thing I bad my eating disorder really is. I always knew I had some form of EDNOS. But then, now, when I do eat, it's one meal a day. And almost always vegetables only. I found myself getting really upset when there weren't any vegetables and today, after a dinner of vegetables only, when my parents were out of the house, I went around looking for food. I wanted to go sit and cry in a corner when I couldn't find any food. 

But I've come a long way. Yes I binged. But then again. My binges now are VERY different to how they used to be. My binge today was probably a 400cal dinner and then 500cal of noodles. That's still less than my BMR. And not even a quarter of what I would normally binge. Normally I can sit and eat thousands worth of KFC and miscellaneous other fried stuff.  Not to mention potato and gravy. Oh, and pasta. And if there is ice cream or cake...oh that would be trouble. God I miss those binges. But I haven't binged like that for a long time. And I've been pretty good at restricting this week. Even though these binges have been getting better. I still feel bad about them. GOD I MISS LAXIES!!!!

Now I'm way too scared to go near any of that. I only eat it if I'm with a good friend, to stop them suspecting anything. I don't really go out with friends and so when I do, I have to appear normal. 

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