Sunday, April 24, 2011

Monday night blues

Well, it's Monday night already and the long weekend flew by somehow without me noticing. I'm shitting myself because I haven't done any work and my boss is going to kill me. I'm scared of my boss but frustrated because I have 2 projects on the go and nobody is telling me anything about them and I want to do work but I can't because I'm always waiting, waiting, waiting on other people to get back to me. But that's all part of life right.

I'm annoyed with my family. I hate being at home. I want to go back to the flat. I think when I move back to this city for good, I'm going to have to move out of home or I'll go crazy. And all the food back at home! Living by myself it was so easy not to eat because I never had any food in the house. But this house is full of junk.

All in all I'm frustrated and annoyed. Nothing is going right and I just want it all to be over. I have a hundred and one things to think about and they are all swirling around my head and I can't get anything done because of it. I think I need to see someone. I need to talk to TS, I really do.

I don't think I've ever mentioned TS before in this blog. It's weird because he is such a big part of my life (and what I mean by that is that he occupies a whole lot of my thoughts). Everything I've said about SPM and Prof CNM and my job, that's all got TS in the background. He was my supervisor at a summer job at the university the summer before last and he got me the current job that I'm working on. I spent an awfully long time trying to maintain a very professional relationship with TS but as work progressed, then as work finished and we stayed in touch, then as he got me a job and I started work etc etc over time, it became clear that we were friends now.

Which makes me feel bad in some ways because I like to remain strictly professional. When I say friends, I don't mean the normal sorta relationship between friends, well, it can hardly be normal given the age gap. Me being a person who has a non-functional and abusive father and him being a kind guy with no children, he's really more of a father figure to me. I don't know if he thinks of himself in that way, but I sure think of him in that way.

And in my current depressed, irritable and dysfunctional state, following all the stressors of death, work and study, I want nothing more than a parent. But dad being dad, isn't capable of being a parent and mum is busy looking after dad and grandparents and has no time or space in her head for me. In many ways I feel like I have nobody but TS. But I don't see him often and I don't want to bother him.

The other layer to this whole thing is that I'm scared that if I talk to TS and all he says is that I should get a shrink because he doesn't want to talk to me about these things, I'm going to be crushed. I don't want to risk that. If I lose TS then I will have nobody left in this world and at this point in time I can't take that. I don't want to be rejected again.

I tell other people that I don't want my relationship with TS to get any closer for reasons of professionalism. Professional doesn't mean ass to me in this situation. If we became closer it would be more and more like having a functioning dad and hell, that'd be great. I'm scared of being rejected by another father figure. I don't even know how to vibe this thing out. I have no idea what TS thinks of me. As far as I know, I'm another name in a long, long list of students that he's supervised.

But still, I love his hugs when I see him. I love how he calls me "petal" and how he always notices my shoes or nail polish or my dress. I love how he always welcomes me into his office and pulls up a chair for me. I love how my short visits always turn into an hour or more. I love how worried he was about me when I told him I wasn't doing so well since my friend died. I love how he always knows what to say to me, and how he can tell when I'm upset even if I'm trying to hide it.

Do I really want to destroy his image of me? The confident, competent, witty, hard working, composed girl who once work for him. Do I want to replace that with a broken down, damaged, abandoned, weak and powerless girl who just wants a daddy and is starving herself to be thin?

Wow. Turns out I had a lot to say about TS.

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