Saturday, April 16, 2011
RAAAAAAAGE!!!!!!! (let me explain myself to haters)
Well my comrades in arms I have a real hankering to vent some anger. A real hankering!
Some of you might have been directed to this blog via communitylivejournal where I wrote a little note about wanting Ana buddies and added a link to this blog. Now, my entry went something along the lines of telling you all that I wanted to offer my support to anyone who wanted it and anyone who might be struggling to dedicate themselves to Ana, because let's face it, Ana is demanding and it is definitely not always a walk in the park.
It can be a difficult life with a lot of hard work but like all things that involve hard work, there is a reward at the end. If you run and run and run and train all your life, you might win a gold medal at the Olympics. If we starve and exercise, we will lose weight. It's simple.
I personally do not see anything wrong with wanting to offer anyone help. I realise that the vast majority of civilisation views Ana as an illness and reviles it etc etc etc and I know that by putting my thoughts on the internet as a public forum thing, I will attract people who agree with me and those who do not. My logic is that if someone wants to lose weight, Ana or not, I will support them. I, like most of you, understand the pain of being the fat kid and that is something no one can fully appreciate unless they have been in the same situation.
That isolation and derision is more than ample motivation to want to turn your life around and that is what I decided to do. If anyone who ever reads this or contacts me is suffering under the pressure of Ana and wants to kick the mental illness and wants to recover I will never hesitate to direct them to help and I will happily support them through that process. My goal with this blog is to express what I am going through for anyone who cares to read it (and I daresay that some of you enjoy reading my blog), it is also partly selfish because I need a forum to express myself without worrying friends and family, it is also to support ANYONE who wants my help, whether it be to lose weight or to get on the road to recovery.
So let me say this. Everything I do is by my own personal choice. If someone wants my help it is their choice to do that. If someone wants to read my blog it is their choice to do that. If someone disagrees with me and Ana and everything on this blog, that is their personal decision and I respect that.
Now, today I got the following response to my communitylivejournal entry.
Dedicate? Shame on you! "Ana" is not dedication it is a mental illness! Would you also help someone "dedicate" themselves to bipolar disorder?
I don't have to explain why I am upset by this. It angers and upsets me on many, many levels and to save you all from me pulling out my psychiatry textbook and delving into the intricacies of bipolar disorder vs anorexia nervosa (expect, believe me they are VERY different mental illnesses), let me get to the crux of the matter.
The internet is a public forum and because we have the luxury of freedom of speech, we can express ourselves as I have been doing this entire post. I don't judge others based on what they say online or indeed, what they say or do in person because I have not lived their lives, I don't know their motivations and based on past experience, it is wrong to judge anyone until you can appreciate all that because at the be all and end all of things, people do things out of fear or for love.
Also, since my entry was on an Ana-Mia buddy site, I can only assume that the writer of the comment didn't just stumble across it, she sought out the site and posted comments there (I assume I'm not the only one who received such a comment) with the intention of attacking us. I find that malicious. But I am sure that blonde_punk1 has her own motivations. Maybe she has lost a loved one to Ana and is angered by it. I don't know. I respect that she doesn't agree with it, hell, she has the majority of the world on her side.
But what I feel is that there was no need for her to write anything like that. Especially "shame on you". That hurt me. It hurt me a lot. This life isn't easy. I've had a hard week. I've got to go to a funeral for a friend who committed suicide. And this is one aspect of my life that is very important to me and this is the only forum of support that I have. [by the way, thank you guys for all the support you give me here!] It's a very personal aspect and maybe it's because I'm sensitive or over sensitive but I felt attacked after I read that comment.
As you might have guessed by me ranting this very long blog entry. So I'm going to go cry for a bit in a corner because due to my own personal weaknesses I'm feeling attacked and sad that a stranger would be so judgmental.
To the girl behind the comment, I know the ins and outs of mental illness. I've studied it, I've worked in inpatient psychiatric units, I've sat exams on it. I also know the ins and outs of my life and I will be the first to admit that over the years I have been damaged and if I didn't have the history that I have, I might not feel the constant need to be thin and lose weight. Until you have lived my life and heard the things I've had to hear and see the things I've had to see, don't tell me to be ashamed. Don't condemn me by saying "shame on you". You don't understand how alone and vulnerable and deeply traumatising it can be to be in this position. I do, and I get through one more day in this world by relying on the support of Ana buddies and this blog. All I am doing is trying to reach out to people who are hurt and vulnerable and alone to let them know that they are not alone, that I am going through the same thing and that together maybe we can make it through another day. Is that so wrong?????