Friday, April 22, 2011
a million steps backwards!!!!! aka I hate myself
Omg. I don't deserve to have you guys! I really don't. I don't deserve to have this blog or any followers, I don't deserve all the thinspo on my computer, I don't deserve the tons of clothing in my room.
I've been eating continually for 2 weeks now. And I just got on the scale and HOLY SHIT OMFG 57KG!!!!!!!!!!! Megafacepalm!!!!!! Self bitchslap is more like it. I can't believe it. When I was so high and mighty about getting below 55kg, which is a big milestone for me, and when I worked so hard for so long and lost weight every week, even when I was sick-now, I've gained almost fricken 3kg back! In only 2 weeks!!!! I'm disgusted. I'm also in complete shock.
I knew I had gained some weight, I feel lots fatter but never would I have guessed that I had gained that much. What's worse is that I'm now home where beady little eyes watch me all day and force food down my throat. Dammit! I want to go on an immediate fast but it's bloody Easter weekend home with the family and I know for sure that without fail the next 3 days will be crammed with feasts because that is all my family ever does on holiday.
Right now I'm scared. I'm really scared. If I can put on 3kg so fast then what's to stop me putting it all back on. I can't let that happen. I would just kill myself. I can't gain any more weight. I hate myself for losing control so wildly and throwing away all my hard work. I've decided that when I go back to uni in a week I will be on a liquid fast (I'll still be living at home so I'll have to eat a tiny bit of dinner yuck) and that's for 2 weeks. Then when I go away for 2 weeks I will be on a complete liquid fast THE ENTIRE TIME. fuck this. A 2 week long liquid fast should do something to aid weight loss surely.
I need to go hard now because after that 2 week long liquid fast is when I MUST weigh in at 49kg. So as of today, I have 8kg to lose. Shit. That's a lot of weight. That's 8kg in 5 weeks. 3 of those weeks I will be under intense pressure to eat, I will have to somehow get real good at disguising the amount that I eat. Any tips??????? I'm so used to just not eating and not being questioned that I don't know how to make it look like I'm eating when I'm not.
Omg, I'm looking at the task that faces me in the weight loss and my work over the next 5 weeks and I am shitting myself, I'm so scared I won't be able to do it.