Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Everything in my life comes down to two things. Control and Fear. Every action, every thought, everything can be boiled down to one or both of those things. With the exception of work. Which is why I love work. The one place in the world where I can get away from the hauntings of my head and feel like that I might be doing some sort of good in this world.
I've been spiraling out of control since my friend killed herself. As a friend and a classmate who I'm going through this journey with, it was really quite some blow. Not just that, but all the deaths I've witnessed over the past year and a half (which is a whole lotta death) came back to haunt me because at the time they happened I had nobody to talk to and so never really processed any of it.
And, as it has been all my life, spiraling out of control inevitably comes hand in hand with lots of eating. And I've been eating non-stop for about a week. I've gained a kilo. I can feel the fat piling on. I can see that I'm fatter. I hate it. I feel disgusting. Not only is everything in my life a misery, but I'm also gaining weight. Awful. After I worked so hard to lose it all as well.
I feel bloody awful. I will lose the weight. I will lose it. I will lose it. I will lose it. I will be thin.