the fat kid.

Were you the fat kid at school? I was. Maybe I wasn't the fattest kid in the class but I have always been the fattest kid in my group of friends. Some might look at it like I somehow managed to have some skinny as friends, which might be true. But it doesn't really matter. I hate always being the fat kid. Even at 21 years old I am the fat kid.

I am the fattest person in my flat. My best guy friends are all thinner than me, some of them are taller than me and they weigh less than me. That is just so unbearably humiliating. So I can't date a guy until I know for absolute certain that I weigh less than them. I can't stand the fact that a large proportion of guys the same age as me are lighter than me. It's just ridiculous.

I hate being the fat kid. It sucks knowing that I'll definitely be the one out of my friends that people won't look at as we walk down the street and I won't be the one the guy wants to talk to when he approaches us at the bar. But somehow it's worse than being invisible, it's knowing that when I am looked at, it's only with disgust.

Maybe that's why I get so attached to men who seem to really think that I look pretty. Even if those men are my professors and the prettiness is in my clothes as opposed to me.

One day I will be thin and beautiful and when people look at me they will think that I am so very thin.

Being thin is more important than being pretty. I would be much more flattered by someone telling me that I'm too thin than someone telling me I'm pretty. Is that weird?

I was looking up celebrities and their weights. I thought that Natalie Portman looked great in Black Swan. I found out that she's about the same height as me and that she weighed 90lbs in the movie. So, theoretically, I'd look that good at 90lbs. So let's shoot for 90lbs now! But still, one step at a time, 49kg is my next goal weight. I want to be there in 6 weeks. So that's around 1kg a week that I have to lose. It doesn't sound that bad but I don't think it'll be that easy.

But I will do it. One day, I will be 90lbs. One day this year. I will do it!