Tuesday, April 5, 2011

burned out

I write this with blurry vision, I'm squinting at the screen. I'm lying in bed, so much of my body is aching. My feet in particular because I stupidly thought I could handle a whole day in the hospital in high heels. Hey, it's not my fault that day turned out to be a 12 hour day.

I can't even think straight enough to know what to write here. There's a saying at medical school, burned out. I assume that you will have heard it before. It's when you work yourself so hard that, like candle that's been burning and burning, you get all burned out and there's nothing left of you to give. I'm kind of at that stage.

I've not had a holiday since I was 15 years old, I've worked every summer. I worked all year last year, and all summer under a boss who I adored but is known throughout the country for being tough. I've not finished the work and it's dragged on throughout the year. I'm tired. I feel like such a failure and I'm afraid to face him.

On nights like this I just want to go to sleep and not wake up.

I'm so far from being perfect. I'm fat and ugly and I'm just not losing the weight fast enough. I think I've hit the stage where my weight loss will be largely dependent on exercise. Of which I am doing nothing except ballet once a week.
I'm eating between 300-500cal a day and even though I'm losing weight, it's not enough. I want it all to melt off overnight and it just won't happen. I want that gap between my thighs. I want thin arms. I don't want to be able to pinch the fat on my body. When I sit down, I want my belly to curve in, not podge out.

I fail at losing weight. I fail at writing my paper. Nothing I want in life is going right and I'm starting to break down. I'm all alone, there's no one to support me and I can sense D day coming. When I have to face the Prof about my paper. when I have to face the test next week to try to get that prize, when I have to face the scales and the mirror. I hate this.

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