Friday, May 6, 2011
and I'll (try to) find strength in pain
Disclaimer: I should warn you all that as I write this post it is approaching midnight on Friday and it has been about 10 days since my last decent night's sleep. For ten days I've been barely getting 3 hours a night and have been solidly wired on caffeine and adrenaline since then.
So it's almost midnight and I've reached a point of exhaustion that's hard to describe. Every part of me is too tired to do anything, except my eyes which are still trying to stay open and my fingers which seem to magically type. My head has been hurting for so long I can't remember what it feels like to have a clear one. My mind is so full of things that I can't think straight on any level, I couldn't even remember to weigh myself tonight, although I remember now. Pity the scale is in the bedroom of my sleeping parents.
I've been struggling to breathe for 3 days now although I'm sure these are minor anxiety attacks where I'm only noticing the breathing but they feel like mild asthma attacks and I'm back with my inhaler (which might have expired by now). I find it hard to walk down stairs because I'm generally light headed but standing at the top of a flight of stairs and looking/walking down just makes things spin a little.
Now, I have a short, short, SHORT memory but I can't remember a night where I didn't cry myself to sleep (probably because I can't remember past last Wednesday) and I can't remember feeling quite so bad before.
Some of you might remember my long, LONG rants about Prof and how scared I was about how he might fire me. Well, he didn't. That's why I'm still busting my ass over this project. But when I saw him last Friday, all prepared to be fired, he wasn't mean at all. In fact, he's never been nicer to me.
Let me explain why I'm taking this so badly. Now, to any other person they would be happy. I'm not fired, he was nicer to me, nicer than he's ever been. He was understanding, even gentle if I feel like pushing the boundaries a bit. Why am I not pleased. The thing is, he used to tease me a lot (which he still does) and he used to be demanding and sarcastic and he would push me to breaking point. But that's because he believed I could do it and he wanted me to do well and succeed and all those things that go along with that. But now, he's given up on me. I can tell. He doesn't care anymore. He just wants me to finish this paper so that our association can end.
And this is a man who I have to work with for a month and who is assessing me and who is going to determine my future in this field. I'm so depressed. I'd rather he have yelled at me, then continued to push me.
I feel so good for nothing. I've dropped everything in my life for this project and TS went to so much trouble for me and I've just wasted it all. I've just, I only had one area to concentrate on and I couldn't even succeed in that. I did badly in the test so I won't win the prize that KD won and that I so badly want. Hell, Prof even said to me, and I believe this is verbatim, that I have failed the first hurdle.
I'm not smart, I'm not good at what I do, I disappoint everyone. I'm not a good person, this is why I only have a few friends and nobody else likes me. I can't succeed at work or in my studies, not even if I try my best. And I'm not even pretty. As if being pretty would be some sort of saving grace. But I'm so fat and ugly and I've been told more than once that nobody will want me because I'm fat and ugly.
And I'm Asian. I've experienced enough racism in my life to know what a burden being an Asian is. I wish I wasn't. It's one of the reasons I'm so not pretty. I hate my eyelids, my nose. I hate being rejected by people because I'm Asian. Especially patients. Plus, so many Asian girls are tiny thin but I'm this big lumbering monster who is not only fat and ugly but stupid and mean.
I haven't an ounce of self esteem which is why on a superficial level I know that people like my few friends and TS like me but I can't even begin to understand or appreciate it on a deeper level and I end up feeling like I'm alone and abandoned even though logically I know there are people who like me. I wish I could believe that they care about me, even just a little bit. Because right now I feel like if my fat ass fell of this earth nobody would give two hoots.