Tuesday, May 17, 2011

the truth is, you're beautiful

It turns out I'm in far deeper than I thought. I'd always believed that when somebody told me I was beautiful and I was sure that they weren't lying, I would not want to lose weight and I'd stay the way I was. Maybe it's not fair to say that I believed it, more like, there was a part of me that hoped that once I heard that then I wouldn't feel the need to shoot for what I feel is perfection.

Turns out that's not true.

Today I was having a frank discussion with a friend of mine about this. He's told me a lot about his life, he's recently got a girlfriend and not many people know and he's sharing a lot of that with me so we've been having semi-personal conversations. Then he expressed a concern that I'm not eating enough and the conversation evolved from there. He told me I don't need to feel bad about the way I look because he thinks I'm beautiful, he's always thought so and he knows there are other people who think so too. And he said it seriously, he told me off for laughing at that comment and he was actually very sincere about that sentiment. In short, I know he was telling the truth and that was what he actually believed.

Impact? None whatsoever.

It didn't invoke one shred of emotion within me. I didn't feel annoyed at him for saying it, but it didn't bring a flood of relief like I thought it would. I am unchanged from that conversation. I still want to lose weight. I still have the same goals. I am still upset that I can't lose the weight as fast as I would like to.

Having people think I'm beautiful and pretty is not enough. It is not what I want. I want people to think I'm thin. I don't care if they express that sentiment in the terms "skinny bitch" accompanied with a dirty look. That is more of a compliment to me than a sincere, 'the truth is, you're beautiful, I've always thought so."

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