Wednesday, May 25, 2011

a loss of appetite

Hi Hi all. I feel that I should write a disclaimer right here and now that what is going to follow is a steady stream of unrelenting self pity and hate and depression and general misery about work. As the title of this post suggests, it's what has brought on an acute loss of appetite and motivation and general will to live. And I should tell you know that it's over something that you all might find insignificant and petty, and I recognise that. And I suppose on some level it is petty, but for me, this means the world so in a way, in the past hour my world has come crashing down.

I guess they say that every cloud has a silver lining and that's true. The silver lining to this is that I have absolutely no will to eat. At all. I can't bear the thought. How can I be chowing down on food when my career has been threatened. I don't know how many of you watch Big Bang Theory, but in one episode Sheldon says "she's interfering with my sleep, she's interfering with my work and if I had another significant aspect of my life I'm sure she'd be interfering with that too!" That pretty much sums up how I go through life. I work, I sleep, not much else gets done. In fact, not much sleep or work gets done either, I don't really know where the time goes.

For those of you wondering what the eff I'm taking about, (and warning, here comes the petty bit) I got my marks for ophthalmology today. I did awfully on that test, as in truly badly. I knew I had no hope of getting that prize, I knew it wasn't going to happen but confirmation sure is a bitchslap to the face. My test mark was so bad that it dragged my overall mark down significantly. Now I've always been one of those people who says, marks don't mean anything. It's no reflection of how I will be as a doctor, it's not a measure of anything but it has to be done. And so I'm feeling like a right old hypocrite right now because I'm sick to my stomach (literally) about this.

It takes an awful lot to put me off eating. That's why I find restricting so difficult at times because I always feel like eating. I just control myself and tell myself not to eat. But that doesn't mean I don't want to. The only other time in my life when I've been off food was when I was sitting medical school entrance exams and nervous as all hell. So this is one hell of a blow. Even I'm surprised by how hard I'm taking it. But I suppose I'm taking it badly for several reasons.

I want to stand out to those people. I want them to remember me and like me and think of me as something quite special and intelligent. I want them to think I have a future in ophthalmology and that I'm going to be good at it. I want to rise through the ranks like some sort of emerging star and just be amazing. Does that sound stupid? I feel a bit stupid typing it out but I'm just being honest. This undermines all that. Now all that is there is fear, and a whole lotta fear at that.

I'm scared they'll dismiss me as someone who is interested but doesn't have what it takes. All the work I've done, all the stress and tears and blood, all of it will mean absolutely nothing if Prof and TS no longer feel I have what it takes. And then everything that I've ever wanted will become impossible and I will have nothing left. And my parents will be right again and I will have to face that. I fought so hard against them to do medicine and to do ophthalmology, and as a result they've rejected me. For me to lose ophthalmology proves their point, I'm not good enough for it.

If I lose TS, and the rest of that department I will have no support. They are the only ones who have not only supported my decision but encouraged me. I can't face a life without them. I'm so so scared right now.

What sort of failure am I? I'm fat and ugly. I can't even restrict properly, nor can I purge. I'm not shifting weight (even though, on one tiny bright note my clothes are definitely looser). And the one thing I care about in life, I'm not even remotely good at.

Every time I watch Phantom of the Opera, and it gets to the end, where Raoul is pleading with the Phantom, "I love her, does that mean nothing?" I've never understood that. I love her, does that mean nothing. And I used to think with much scoffing and much scorn that no, it doesn't mean anything, that's completely irrelevant. And then I would get pissed off. And now I feel like Raoul did then. I want to say to these people, I love ophthal, does that mean nothing? I love the eye, I love that job, I love you all. I've given up so much for it, does that mean nothing to you?

To face the possibility of losing the career (which is one half of the two things that matter to me), and losing so many of the people who have filled the father gap in my world is too much.

I don't often seriously contemplate suicide but I am now. Not saying I'm going to do it, if I was I'd say goodbye to you girls first. But I'm saying that I'm thinking seriously. When you actually think about it, it's very, very easy. If I lose all the things that matter, what is there left to live for?

On some level, my patients. I want to help them, make life better for them. But how much longer can I stumble onwards, being hurt left right and centre, just hoping to maybe make a difference to someone?

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